you know the problem with depression? nobody is ever really there for you, they say the best way is to come out and tell everyone how you feel, how you're doing, how you contemplate suicide over and over again, that you should just talk to someone. in reality nobody really gives a damn, it all falls down on you and what path you want to take, everybody else is out to get their own, they're out to fend for themselves not you. the worst of things is realizing you're broken.. and nobody will fully understand but you, you're all alone.

scarborough fair..

"Smiles and cries."

The weather is cold: a low 30 or so, the streets are rough during the day though calm at night, everyone I pass seems purpose driven. It's an enjoyable experience, a refreshing one, something new needed for me, I'm in Baltimore, MD. Scenery is amazing, the city is vast, and the beer is good. These simply mobile trips take vacation to a different level; something so refreshing, and renewing, something almost spiritual, a finding of oneself with someone special to share it with.

We had stayed at the Scarborough Fair Bed & Breakfast; right around the heart of the Federal Hill area. Beautiful room, view of the neighborhood, and perfect walking distance right into the city. I remember walking around thinking how I could imagine myself actually moving here, shopping at the local shops, being a regular at these classic bars, and being a part of the city. We decided to play tourist for a little bit; explored the Enoch Pratt library, the Basilica of the National Shrine, Edgar Allen Poe's burial place, amongst other inspiring sites.

It's honestly been a week since our trip, a week since I've started writing this, sadly writers block has taken it's toll on me or maybe I'm still in a vacation mindset or such. Sorry for wasting your time with such a horrible post, perhaps I'm losing my touch.

"Writers block is a bitch, by the way I didn't proofread one bit." - Ryan D.

your humor fails to reach me, cute..

"I am not afraid of an army of lions led by a sheep; I am afraid of an army of sheep led by a lion." - Alexander the Great

Pivotal moments through people that count, that turning point where a simple touch in a moment controls a lifetime of decisions, you become something more than you really are, these moments are so simple, yet completely change your life. A ripple effect that transitions so many life altering decisions to which you one day wake up and are profound by it's motives.

One day you wake up and you realize that your enemies perhaps had done you a favor. Without them you would have been a completely different person, without tragedy there would have been no quantity to your life, there would have been no quality to it all. You sit there in your lonesome home as the wind shatters against the shutters of your house, the sound constantly reminding you that there is no taste, or flavor to your life. Would it have been better to be breath plain air, or something of nostalgia.

I have so many of you to thank for this; so many of you to thank for your hate and discontent, your ignorance as it were. I just wanted you to know that I don't care anymore and as a matter of fact I never cared to begin with. As the season slowly shows it's true colors of a blistering cold, I come to realize that you are no better than me, and I am a better man because of you all. The facts of your lies are just as insignificant as your own lives.

"So I drink; though I drink to what matters. So I fight; though I fight for what's in my heart and not for the thrill. So I love; though I love something real and not something upon false pretense. Goodbye old friend; may your heart never have to shatter as mine did." - Ryan D.

late but still made it..

"It's never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot

I'm not usually this emotional but it's been a hard year this one, not something for the faint of heart. Tears wept, friends lost, hate spread out. Though moving forward with a new year, moving forward into something new, something better, a breath of fresh air from the norm. Consistency is what I'm searching or rather hoping for. Sometimes I feel as though I struggle to take two steps forward yet I'm brought ten steps back. Though goals have been set and challenges are ahead, I take this time to contemplate on what should arise and what things should be considered.

I'm only as human as I try, I am only as good of a writer as I choose to be. I'm sitting here and just wondering what awaits, contemplating the vastness of creativity in my own mind, what life lessons are to come and how will I accept them. To whom or what my heart and soul should be open to, where I may place my own trust in.

"Eight days into the New Year and I must apologize for being so late. Happy New Year." - Ryan D.

simply having a _______

"Simply having a wonderful Christmas time." - Paul McCartney



From that easy smile to glaring eyes, simple yet perfect. Christmas music plays in the background, as noises of happy couples walk through the streets. There's a peace to it, a peace that subsides deep in the heart keeping us warm and blessed. This season brings out the most precious of nature within us as it holds down the grim behavior of hate and despair, it reminds us that love flourishes with something so simple as a stranger's smile, a child's laugh, and the hope of a new year rising. A few days left as we wrestle amongst one another to grab those last minute gifts for that special someone; malls are packed, sales are happening, and parties are being had. We're all in 5th gear trying to reach the finish line; as we wrap the presents, drink the eggnog, and watch reruns of "A Christmas Carol"

This is the last entry for this year. To the readers; I have always appreciated you and without you this site would truly be wasted ink. Celebrate Christmas and the New Year right: with people you care about and people that care about you. Be courageous and kiss that special someone under the mistletoe. Drink hearty because your soul needs something good to carry it through time. Hold that special someones hand and never let go. Cry because it hurts, cry because it makes you human, cry and then pick yourself back up. Remember who you are and what you want with yourself, set goals for this upcoming year, set goals that matter to you most importantly, let your dreams move you and allow your dreams to become realities. Above all; love..

"Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. See you on this side or the other." - Ryan D.

to the broken heart..

"Love is hard to find, hard to keep, and hard to forget." - Alysha Speer



To the broken heart; pieces lay in the wake of the aftermath, a fight, painful words, thrown glass, and a broken soul. They have undoubtedly taken it's toll on your already weakened body. The boiling pain that has built up around unsaid things, undone comfort, cheating spouses, a broken home.

You can only concern yourself with negative thoughts, your sadness has turned to anger, your anger to hate, your hate delving into depression. A broken heart; like a glass ball chipped away little by little each and every time it is dropped, the caretaker you had given it to is continuously clumsy, they don't bother to concern themselves with repairs, they care not about what consequences come, or the outcome this may bring, love is what created you, selfishness is what broke you.

Crying yourself to sleep, helps ease the pain. Drinking to keep beautiful memories at bay which only remind us of what once was and what is now. Your scars are fresh but dry. Lost is what things have come to.

To the broken heart; the pieces will return to you, your true caretaker never abandoned you, he or she lay waiting silently, peaceful as a summer night, with glue in hand like a child at play. Your strength will return, you body will regain. You will ignore what could have been, what you exclaim should have been, because you will understand what had to have been.

Positive thoughts will wrap you as your depression subsides. Hate lingers and anger will toy with you, though eventually you will learn that in time, you will care less about things that seemed to matter so greatly but worth so little. The more you smile you attract the warmth of company, the warmth that dries the wet adhesive as it does its work to connect and bringing back sanity, bringing back a repaired heart, a whole heart, which you own and shall keep safe once again.

To the whole heart; be wary upon who may hold you. Understand and know that taking care of yourself is the key to finding someone who will do the same for you. Don't rush into the heat of battle but calmly and diligently move through to success. Smile confidence when you see your scars, allow them to remind you the worst you've been through and that you would do it all over again knowing it would land you to be who you are.. A better person.

"Breath in what matters and exhale the unfortunate." - Ryan D.

a letter to my younger self.

Dear You.. Well rather me,

It struck me this morning that I've written so many letters in my life time and yet I have failed to ignore you so many times. This is to you; the younger me, a letter I wish you could've read in time. Just an insight on you and some hope for your future.

Consider this; you are young, arrogant, and fucking stupid. Your pride will take a toll on so many of the things you do, and you or rather I will feel it in the long run. You'll regret a lot; from not saying "I love you." enough, not listening to others, spending most of your time with the unimportant versus those who really matter, getting a credit card and opening loan accounts, breaking your close friends hearts and ending friendships that mattered, quitting jobs that cared, ruining your parents and breaking their hearts, going to college late, caring about what everybody thinks of you versus what really mattered, not seeing that you were used, mistaking trust as a business card as if you could pass it around to anyone, missing out on opportunities with girls with those warm smiles, allowing your close friends to put up with your shit, constantly being selfish and several other things that I am probably failing to mention.

Though you'll eventually learn humility through prideful mistakes; you'll clean up well. You'll definitely drink more but blacking out and hugging toilets will be over. Your arrogance will fade and you'll act a little wiser. You'll hold on to those you love as tightly as possible. You will cry. It'll hurt that you've burned bridges with so many but you'll recycle wood to try and build new ones with others if not those you left behind. Everyone that matters to you will know. People will hate you and you'll eventually learn not to care, you won't reciprocate stupidity. Strangely you still give food and cigarettes to homeless people versus money. You'll not only listen more but you'll give advice that matters. You'll take care of your looks without the regard of others opinions. You'll hold the hearts that are given to you, in a safe and sacred place. You will never allow the opportunity of someone shattering your own heart once again, though once in awhile you'll slip and fall from grace and things will seem painful, but trust me, it's not the end and you won't have to balls to stay in that dark miserable place, eventually you'll climb up the ladder of life like always. You'll always love others the way you love yourself: loving yourself won't be so difficult when you stop frowning so much. You'll read more and listen to music you never thought you would like. You'll try to pay all your bills. You'll hold your parents tight, your son tighter, and you'll always pray that they never let go. Apologizing will be more sincere and you'll always learn from those mistakes. You'll trust a select few and they'll be the ones that count. You will hate yourself for being so selfish to begin with and you'll learn to forgive yourself. It's okay, you don't have to be scared, you'll be lost at times but always find your way. There will be scars that remind you to always be a better person.

Picture this, it won't be so bad, it will weigh heavy on you at times, and you will be angry. But trust me there will always be a helping hand around the corner, somebody will always have your back, you're never alone, and eventually you'll be me realizing the journey hasn't been bad at all.

So smile, stand up tall.

Your dearest self,

Ryan De Los Reyes