20140927
excerpt of the green book..
"I stopped running from my dreams,
and i stopped running from my fears.
As I grabbed hold on all the
pieces of my broken heart they slowly
melted together, they slowly became whole
once again. Remembering my place I
decided to climb, I decided to reach
each step with faith placed back within
myself. With every reach the whip of
a malevolent hope slowly dissolved, soon
I felt the warmth of promise in my
own heart. Promise of a smile, simple joy,
promise of happiness. The burdens I carried
felt light on weight, though bearable." - (The Green Book) Ryan D.
20140926
random story about puzzle pieces and reminders..
"Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'" - Erich Fromm
That moment of interlocking fingers, lips to lips and the silence of nothingness. Sadly we yearn for moments such as these, we wish that we could have so much more than our single room apartment, alone and haggard. Creatures of company is what we really are, searching constantly for the other puzzle piece.
There's this thing that I have sometimes, I see couples around or perhaps maybe even just a select few or random people which I think at times: "What is their story?". Did they fall in love, fall out? Was their heart broken; destroyed, shattered, perhaps even by a close friend to whom they cannot even repair from the aftermath? Are we all destined to live a life of companionship based on love or are a select few of us brought here in order to witness it? I'm searching for that mirror image, that image of truth that matters most, I'm hoping for better days, for moments to come and to not be left on this plateau. In all honesty I am heart broken no matter how many times I try to put things together, I am constantly reminded of where, who, what I am and why I am put in this position.
There was girl I had let in.. though maybe that's another story for another time.
"broken, bruised, and shattered." but really i am and you'll never see it fully. . - (the green book) Ryan D.
That moment of interlocking fingers, lips to lips and the silence of nothingness. Sadly we yearn for moments such as these, we wish that we could have so much more than our single room apartment, alone and haggard. Creatures of company is what we really are, searching constantly for the other puzzle piece.
There's this thing that I have sometimes, I see couples around or perhaps maybe even just a select few or random people which I think at times: "What is their story?". Did they fall in love, fall out? Was their heart broken; destroyed, shattered, perhaps even by a close friend to whom they cannot even repair from the aftermath? Are we all destined to live a life of companionship based on love or are a select few of us brought here in order to witness it? I'm searching for that mirror image, that image of truth that matters most, I'm hoping for better days, for moments to come and to not be left on this plateau. In all honesty I am heart broken no matter how many times I try to put things together, I am constantly reminded of where, who, what I am and why I am put in this position.
There was girl I had let in.. though maybe that's another story for another time.
"broken, bruised, and shattered." but really i am and you'll never see it fully. . - (the green book) Ryan D.
20140925
youth in motion. .
"in youth we learn; in age we understand." - Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
As I sit here in the mall at the children's play area; my ears are rambled with the noise of youth, my son runs with a pack of children like lions in their den, they are the kings and queens of the world in this very moment. Realizing truth, in these moments I feel hope within my older years, I am old but my heart is touched by the young, by youth, by feelings of innocence.
It's strange when we're young; we feel that we're unimportant and undesirable due to the status of youth. We're told constantly of what to do and what we may or may not be or act like, pushing us to the point of wishing constantly: "I can't wait until I'm grown up and I'll never have to listen to what anyone says or tells me to do." Though we grow older and realize the facts about age; bills, taxes, jobs, bosses we hate, friends that torment us, and LOVE that destroys us. So much has changed and I find it difficult to deal with being an adult.
Hilarious how it happens; how we change our minds at once when we get what exactly we wanted to begin with. A child grows and wishes of independence from their family to happen, only to realize the hardship of truth and the thankful bonds of being with family, of being of the youth. We as humans are always conflicted, we want what we want but when we need something fear strikes us to the point of necessity.
Want; our facade which we continue to supply in order to complicate things.. We want alcohol, we want companionship, we want sex. Need; our complete basis of life. We need food, we need sleep, we need Love. Our main difference in it all; our youth we wish for wants, but as we grow older we realize our needs..
"wants were available for him, though his needs were taken, and imprison from his heart. - Ryan D.
and i'll leave you with this riff that seems to attract my attention..
As I sit here in the mall at the children's play area; my ears are rambled with the noise of youth, my son runs with a pack of children like lions in their den, they are the kings and queens of the world in this very moment. Realizing truth, in these moments I feel hope within my older years, I am old but my heart is touched by the young, by youth, by feelings of innocence.
It's strange when we're young; we feel that we're unimportant and undesirable due to the status of youth. We're told constantly of what to do and what we may or may not be or act like, pushing us to the point of wishing constantly: "I can't wait until I'm grown up and I'll never have to listen to what anyone says or tells me to do." Though we grow older and realize the facts about age; bills, taxes, jobs, bosses we hate, friends that torment us, and LOVE that destroys us. So much has changed and I find it difficult to deal with being an adult.
Hilarious how it happens; how we change our minds at once when we get what exactly we wanted to begin with. A child grows and wishes of independence from their family to happen, only to realize the hardship of truth and the thankful bonds of being with family, of being of the youth. We as humans are always conflicted, we want what we want but when we need something fear strikes us to the point of necessity.
Want; our facade which we continue to supply in order to complicate things.. We want alcohol, we want companionship, we want sex. Need; our complete basis of life. We need food, we need sleep, we need Love. Our main difference in it all; our youth we wish for wants, but as we grow older we realize our needs..
"wants were available for him, though his needs were taken, and imprison from his heart. - Ryan D.
and i'll leave you with this riff that seems to attract my attention..
20140923
pushing in..
"but i also think all of the greatest stories in literature deal with loneliness." - Tom Hanks
The push; it's those moments of deterrence, those times of hardness, those simple yet strong messages of "leave me alone" things that we tend to slave for when close to someone. Breaking us down emotionally and mentally; where as things as hope become our enemy and our greatest demotivator. It truly is one of the worst feelings in the world to give care for someone at 100% only to receive at the least a 50 perhaps even less.
Reasons are always there; in reality we just don't wish to let truth be known so we lay hopeful in our own facade which we've created to shield us from truth. We push people away to place them out from our hearts, or keep them further from our heart than we would like. It's our own defense mechanism that keeps the pain of heart break at bay.
Insulting as it may be; we pursue such a status in order to keep from hurting others as well as ourselves. Though many may think it selfish or a painful act, in truth we are just trying to be selfless, sacrificing what we want for the benefit of others.
"voids are filled, voids are made." - (the green book) Ryan D.
The push; it's those moments of deterrence, those times of hardness, those simple yet strong messages of "leave me alone" things that we tend to slave for when close to someone. Breaking us down emotionally and mentally; where as things as hope become our enemy and our greatest demotivator. It truly is one of the worst feelings in the world to give care for someone at 100% only to receive at the least a 50 perhaps even less.
Reasons are always there; in reality we just don't wish to let truth be known so we lay hopeful in our own facade which we've created to shield us from truth. We push people away to place them out from our hearts, or keep them further from our heart than we would like. It's our own defense mechanism that keeps the pain of heart break at bay.
Insulting as it may be; we pursue such a status in order to keep from hurting others as well as ourselves. Though many may think it selfish or a painful act, in truth we are just trying to be selfless, sacrificing what we want for the benefit of others.
"voids are filled, voids are made." - (the green book) Ryan D.
Life Re-cycle.
"use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without." - New England Proverb
Why does time grasp us like this?
The womb, time is meaningless. Though we still grow and develop our senses; our feeling. We're fed through an umbilical cord, and awaited by our parents on our scheduled or unscheduled arrival. Our mothers carry us from place to place, we are either considered a blessing or a burden. We weigh our mother down as we continue to evolve within, our weight is our dreams, our wishes, our potential.
Labor begins; it is filled with pain, blood, tears and sweat. Slowly we make our way out of a home we had kept for nine month, though finally, we've seen the light for the first time. We're taken care of for a period of time; diapers, bottles, and stress. Not yet have we learned to take care of ourselves. Though, time slowly evolves us into toddlers, children, teens, adults.
Our learning process begins and we go from school to school; in a constant motion we're transformed made to search our purpose, our passions, our meaning. Some of us sooner than others, some of us stuck on a plateau though eventually finding our way, finding our loves and our fears. Searching for someone to grow old with, we create our families and seemingly the process recycles itself when we have our first born and we see ourselves as the parents now.
Growing older consist of losing our purpose and relying on others to take care of ourselves; the simplest things such as walking, writing, eating, talking, even breathing become an inconvenience. Nursing homes take us in as a burden, something of sort of our parents taking care of us. We find we're in diapers once again, and someone is feeding us spoon per spoon.
Then... We pass, our last breath, our long exhale, we remember all of the beauty in life; our passions, our loves, our long kiss, our fears, all of our memories so simply beautiful. We realize in this moment that it was a circular motion, our lives have taken it's trip and we have ended where we had started.
"i will see things and i will cherish them, the beauty of things and people I care for, for one day all will be lost from my mind, and the reaper will take me with a quick slice, his scythe will weigh heavy on my soul, and my eyes will have closed, just as they had opened." - Ryan D.
ps. here's a music video that has nothing to do with anything, but it felt right.
Why does time grasp us like this?
The womb, time is meaningless. Though we still grow and develop our senses; our feeling. We're fed through an umbilical cord, and awaited by our parents on our scheduled or unscheduled arrival. Our mothers carry us from place to place, we are either considered a blessing or a burden. We weigh our mother down as we continue to evolve within, our weight is our dreams, our wishes, our potential.
Labor begins; it is filled with pain, blood, tears and sweat. Slowly we make our way out of a home we had kept for nine month, though finally, we've seen the light for the first time. We're taken care of for a period of time; diapers, bottles, and stress. Not yet have we learned to take care of ourselves. Though, time slowly evolves us into toddlers, children, teens, adults.
Our learning process begins and we go from school to school; in a constant motion we're transformed made to search our purpose, our passions, our meaning. Some of us sooner than others, some of us stuck on a plateau though eventually finding our way, finding our loves and our fears. Searching for someone to grow old with, we create our families and seemingly the process recycles itself when we have our first born and we see ourselves as the parents now.
Growing older consist of losing our purpose and relying on others to take care of ourselves; the simplest things such as walking, writing, eating, talking, even breathing become an inconvenience. Nursing homes take us in as a burden, something of sort of our parents taking care of us. We find we're in diapers once again, and someone is feeding us spoon per spoon.
Then... We pass, our last breath, our long exhale, we remember all of the beauty in life; our passions, our loves, our long kiss, our fears, all of our memories so simply beautiful. We realize in this moment that it was a circular motion, our lives have taken it's trip and we have ended where we had started.
"i will see things and i will cherish them, the beauty of things and people I care for, for one day all will be lost from my mind, and the reaper will take me with a quick slice, his scythe will weigh heavy on my soul, and my eyes will have closed, just as they had opened." - Ryan D.
ps. here's a music video that has nothing to do with anything, but it felt right.
20140922
reviving of knighthood,
"The age of chivalry is never past, so long as there is a wrong left unredressed on earth." - Charles Kingsley
Sometimes I find myself closing my eyes contrasting how things are and how I wish they could be. It's a great fault of my own perhaps due to a scarred past, that I care so dearly for people who have reached or rather touched my inner circle to a point that I am honored and able to call them family. Honestly it's hard to fathom who you really surround yourself with until you know their inner secrets and painful past, the unfortunate truth is that I've always had this strange gift to read who people really are; from who's broken into pieces of tarnished glass and who still sees the world in it's own youth and innocence.
The broken are always the ones who rip my insides out; they play a facade to everyone, something of sort that keeps their demons at bay, though in truth I have always empathized with them to the point of almost complete no return. The pain they feel I am suddenly able to carry their weight, as if it were my own personal duty. Begging me to question;
"Where are all the heroes in this forgotten world?"
It's as if things intolerable have become the norm, and knights of the old world have died along with honor and chivalry. Unspeakable truths are brought to light when people are aloud to perform horrendous acts such as the beating of a woman to the murder of a child. As faulty within my own self I tend to question the essence of God; has he turned his back? My mind slowly lingers to the edge wondering what could have changed in that moment, whether it be someone not leaving home, or someone intervening.
My own empathy slowly turns to the rage of vengeance.. Is it strange to want to play God and change what has hurt so many people? I understand the consequences of how so much would differ, but if you knew and felt the pain of someone you cared and loved so much would you change it all? Maybe, maybe not, smiting those who would ever threaten people you care for? Playing God for the best or playing for your own selfishness?
"in a time of dragons and fiends, we call for help each and every day, awaiting a hero to awaken, a hero; within ourselves or amongst others." - Ryan D.
Sometimes I find myself closing my eyes contrasting how things are and how I wish they could be. It's a great fault of my own perhaps due to a scarred past, that I care so dearly for people who have reached or rather touched my inner circle to a point that I am honored and able to call them family. Honestly it's hard to fathom who you really surround yourself with until you know their inner secrets and painful past, the unfortunate truth is that I've always had this strange gift to read who people really are; from who's broken into pieces of tarnished glass and who still sees the world in it's own youth and innocence.
The broken are always the ones who rip my insides out; they play a facade to everyone, something of sort that keeps their demons at bay, though in truth I have always empathized with them to the point of almost complete no return. The pain they feel I am suddenly able to carry their weight, as if it were my own personal duty. Begging me to question;
"Where are all the heroes in this forgotten world?"
It's as if things intolerable have become the norm, and knights of the old world have died along with honor and chivalry. Unspeakable truths are brought to light when people are aloud to perform horrendous acts such as the beating of a woman to the murder of a child. As faulty within my own self I tend to question the essence of God; has he turned his back? My mind slowly lingers to the edge wondering what could have changed in that moment, whether it be someone not leaving home, or someone intervening.
My own empathy slowly turns to the rage of vengeance.. Is it strange to want to play God and change what has hurt so many people? I understand the consequences of how so much would differ, but if you knew and felt the pain of someone you cared and loved so much would you change it all? Maybe, maybe not, smiting those who would ever threaten people you care for? Playing God for the best or playing for your own selfishness?
"in a time of dragons and fiends, we call for help each and every day, awaiting a hero to awaken, a hero; within ourselves or amongst others." - Ryan D.
20140921
bottom shelf ink..
"real change occurs from the bottom." - Paul Hawken
As far as we know we can only consider the heights to be our final destination, we climb and continue to climb searching for something more, something greater, trying to break boundaries and seek our gold. However it comes to some surprise that many of us decide to forget our past, forget previous lessons of what had placed us or had given a sort of motivation to lead us up to points of favor. We veil them with white cloths to protect old wounds from gathering dust, we hide them in our mausoleums of memories meant for forgetting, we bury our oldest and coldest memories deep down in the dirt thinking hiding every bit of it offers a sort of clean slate, a fresh piece of paper readily available to write on. Ruined ink always runs through a pile of papers, we may think it fresh and available for a new chapter, but we ignore the facts; there is still a mark left which we refuse to acknowledge.
I have had my moments of finding, those moments of taking a eraser and ruining sheets and sheets of paper trying to remove a ink stain, thinking white-out could make things new, though in times of great adversity it is sometimes just well enough to face the truth, face the facts, forgive yourself and who you are and use to be.
A good friend once had told me "Nobody ever really changes, they're always the same person deep down inside." Of course I was reluctant to agree to such words and the truth is; in the end we evolve, we learn from what or who we use to be and we try to continue on, no matter how damaged or scarred we truly are. I have wrestled with old demons as of late, remembering things I had kept secret, things I had not wanted known. Though we deal, I had finally discovered how to acknowledge truth in it all, through recognizing faults which I had chosen to hide, perhaps I was able to realize who I am or who I would be willing to be.
"I had fallen; far and fast, climbing to the top though the withered step had ruined my entire placement. The ground was barren and coarse, shattered glass from broken hearts and painful memories surrounded me. Dreams existed only to torture with whips of hope. Love and care were water boarded by the disdain of hate. Providence and all paradise were lost. Seduced by the temptation of laziness and depression whilst struggling to pick myself up. I ignored a piece of my heart which laid broke from events of crushing and hammering, the reminder of heartbreak had taken a toll weighing so much." - (The Green Book) Ryan D.
As far as we know we can only consider the heights to be our final destination, we climb and continue to climb searching for something more, something greater, trying to break boundaries and seek our gold. However it comes to some surprise that many of us decide to forget our past, forget previous lessons of what had placed us or had given a sort of motivation to lead us up to points of favor. We veil them with white cloths to protect old wounds from gathering dust, we hide them in our mausoleums of memories meant for forgetting, we bury our oldest and coldest memories deep down in the dirt thinking hiding every bit of it offers a sort of clean slate, a fresh piece of paper readily available to write on. Ruined ink always runs through a pile of papers, we may think it fresh and available for a new chapter, but we ignore the facts; there is still a mark left which we refuse to acknowledge.
I have had my moments of finding, those moments of taking a eraser and ruining sheets and sheets of paper trying to remove a ink stain, thinking white-out could make things new, though in times of great adversity it is sometimes just well enough to face the truth, face the facts, forgive yourself and who you are and use to be.
A good friend once had told me "Nobody ever really changes, they're always the same person deep down inside." Of course I was reluctant to agree to such words and the truth is; in the end we evolve, we learn from what or who we use to be and we try to continue on, no matter how damaged or scarred we truly are. I have wrestled with old demons as of late, remembering things I had kept secret, things I had not wanted known. Though we deal, I had finally discovered how to acknowledge truth in it all, through recognizing faults which I had chosen to hide, perhaps I was able to realize who I am or who I would be willing to be.
"I had fallen; far and fast, climbing to the top though the withered step had ruined my entire placement. The ground was barren and coarse, shattered glass from broken hearts and painful memories surrounded me. Dreams existed only to torture with whips of hope. Love and care were water boarded by the disdain of hate. Providence and all paradise were lost. Seduced by the temptation of laziness and depression whilst struggling to pick myself up. I ignored a piece of my heart which laid broke from events of crushing and hammering, the reminder of heartbreak had taken a toll weighing so much." - (The Green Book) Ryan D.
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