"Isn't it peculiar, Charlie Brown, how some traditions just slowly fade away?" - Lucy (A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving)
Let's not get ahead of ourselves; I see the Christmas trees up already, I see the shopping hitting earlier and earlier as each year passes. I see people and their lights being put up, decorating before the race even starts. Even Christmas specials sold during the Halloween season. I'm going to set this straight right here before we all jump the gun. Happy Thanksgiving.
Don't overlook what you have, what counts, what matters. Stay strong in times of adversity, nothing ever really matters but what you hold dear in your heart. It's the small simple things that bring a smile to my face; a smile from a stranger, a couple holding hands with their child, a girl walking her faithful and happy canine companion. These things overlooked all the time; they're simple but can mean so much.
They're reminders telling us we're connected, that the weight of the world though how heavy it may seem is not just our own to bear. It's spread through the world, like the ripples in water, we interconnect with one another. Like the rings in a tree stump: we tell a story, like the diamonds found in mines: we express beauty. These simple and yet so meaningful things. Stay close to them, stay strong to them, and be thankful that we have such small pieces of humanity still left around us.
Thankful is what seems to be missing so dearly lately, we take for granted these small yet so dearly important things in our lives.
"Thanks for reading.." - Ryan D.
Here's some Thanksgiving hacks I think you might find useful..
20141122
the pain that defines us.. leaving us speechless.
"Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future." - Robert H. Schuller
When the pain sinks in and all things are dark and confusing, you're surrounded by questions, all of which begin with a simple "Why?" I can't answer for what you're going through, I can't give you the strength to walk through the flames, I can only explain that it gets better. Usually the pain subsides because you've found an outlet for things, you've figured out an escape whether it be great or small.
This could apply to your divorce, losing a child, the feelings of insignificance. It's all the same in your heart, it all turns black in the end, though it's your choice to figure whether you want it black or not. You've got to pick yourself up eventually, strive for a better purpose, your resolve will grow with the strength you find from things that matter, not things that try to bury you but the things that try to pick you up. I've been there where you are; it's dark, cold, and desolate. You choose to isolate yourself from things that really do matter in order to keep a facade that you'd rather have people see. You'd rather them see a fake smile versus tears all over the floor, you'd rather them see someone who could give a damn less that they're broken: pretending everything is alright versus a man crying in another mans arms. We're creatures of deceit.
We all have our own ways of dealing with problems, I'm not saying take them and bury them deep down inside, keeping them far from the reaches of everyone. I'm saying keep the cards you're dealt with, keep them and see what fortune you can muster up through the flames, push harder, push stronger. Find your strength in the good things that surround you, not what tries to overcome you but what has always consistently been there for your. Your love, your hopes, your dreams - Your children, your family, your spouse, the work you have attained. Don't let what's trying to kill you keep you down, don't let the pain hold you forever.
"You could be looking for love in a stranger's arms and that love could be all you need to heal." - Ryan D.
When the pain sinks in and all things are dark and confusing, you're surrounded by questions, all of which begin with a simple "Why?" I can't answer for what you're going through, I can't give you the strength to walk through the flames, I can only explain that it gets better. Usually the pain subsides because you've found an outlet for things, you've figured out an escape whether it be great or small.
This could apply to your divorce, losing a child, the feelings of insignificance. It's all the same in your heart, it all turns black in the end, though it's your choice to figure whether you want it black or not. You've got to pick yourself up eventually, strive for a better purpose, your resolve will grow with the strength you find from things that matter, not things that try to bury you but the things that try to pick you up. I've been there where you are; it's dark, cold, and desolate. You choose to isolate yourself from things that really do matter in order to keep a facade that you'd rather have people see. You'd rather them see a fake smile versus tears all over the floor, you'd rather them see someone who could give a damn less that they're broken: pretending everything is alright versus a man crying in another mans arms. We're creatures of deceit.
We all have our own ways of dealing with problems, I'm not saying take them and bury them deep down inside, keeping them far from the reaches of everyone. I'm saying keep the cards you're dealt with, keep them and see what fortune you can muster up through the flames, push harder, push stronger. Find your strength in the good things that surround you, not what tries to overcome you but what has always consistently been there for your. Your love, your hopes, your dreams - Your children, your family, your spouse, the work you have attained. Don't let what's trying to kill you keep you down, don't let the pain hold you forever.
"You could be looking for love in a stranger's arms and that love could be all you need to heal." - Ryan D.
20141117
age in motion..
We are men made of persistence; we struggle with each day differently, as boys we know only selfishness and understand only what keeps us content and satisfied, never are we concerned about the world around us. Awareness is the difference between each man, knowing what they touch: what they build and what they destroy. Understanding that every motion and decision we make ripples as if water in the open sea.
As I grow older; I see what results come from times of my youth, I notice slowly that the decisions I've made, the bridges I've burned, and all the people I've hurt have all been poisoned by my own touch. I'm aware of my mistakes and what cause it has taken upon so many people. Burdens are what I've built around me, my own youths selfishness remind me not to play as the boy, but to accept the consequences and push forward.
Growing older for me means searching for a way out, I'm always in search of opportunities to better myself for my family. My family; it's what I constantly think of almost always.. How I can create a life for my son that I could never have, one that wasn't meant for me but could be meant for him. As a parent we struggle to keep our children from making the same mistakes that we've made, we want them to be better than us, we want them to be more than us.
I couldn't tell you why I even bother writing anymore, honestly; I'm exhausted from all the bullshit that surrounds me. The stench of broken loyalties, the ignorance of burned bridges, the cries of stupidity. I am the circle that I keep and that is why my circle has grown small over the past years. Small to only the people that truly matter in my life, the ones that I know would help carry the burden.
The choice to be a man is to choose to be aware of what you've done wrong and what you've done right. Knowing, understanding and remembering the things you've touched. Being aware of every ripple it makes, everyone affected, everything connected.
"Bloodshot are my words, strong my heart, clenched are my fist. Driving on this dirt road until I find it's end." - Ryan D.
20141116
a truth never told..
(play me if you want)
I enjoy these moments of peace; the ones where I lay next to my son and I see him asleep as the world just passes us by. Funny are the times I would wake up with accidental drool dripping from my mouth, there's a feel here that I can never really explain, it's hilarious honestly, I'm in a moment of comfort. I can never express this enough in life but I am truly blessed to have him.
It was never always like this; I'm honestly far from the best dad in the world or anything relating to that in nature. It's a sad life when I look back at it, all my faults, so much I wish I could change, so many words I wish I had never said, though it's like so much in this world, once it's out you can never unsay it, people can never unhear things, they can never unread it. It was all there, I remember first finding out about the pregnancy, how it made me feel, I wasn't happy though I wasn't upset either, I was more unsure with the feelings of helplessness. Stupid is what I was when I think about it now, all I wanted was to party it up, live my life, deal with the problems dealt with me, I didn't need another, I didn't want a kid. A miscarriage or even an abortion was in my mind, I was so immature and greedy with my life, I could barely take care of myself, what made anybody think that I could take care of another..
You could plan a pregnancy all you want, people do it all the time, fuck on this month - pop out on that month. Though a man is never really prepared. All the planning and preparation all go out the window as soon as the words "I'm pregnant." are heard. There's a fear in us that deepens immensely, it makes a guy wonder:
"Am I truthfully ready for this?"
"Can I in my own spirit raise my own blood in this world?"
"Am I capable of guiding somebody to be a better person than I could ever be?"
I knew the truth in it; I couldn't do any of those things, I knew and I still know, how incapable of a parent I am.
Six pounds and fourteen ounces is how much my son weighed when he was born. I remember everything, every detail of his birth. Of course you probably don't want every visual memory I'm sure, but I can tell you I remember hearing him cry for the first time. Damn it was loud, not even comparable to how he screams at me now at the age of two. I remember those eyes, gorgeous big blue eyes, yes my son had blue eyes when he was born. I remember wanting to cry so badly because of how horrible of a person I knew I was, I knew I didn't deserve him, I know I still don't. But there's something about children that change your entire outlook on life, something about seeing your newborn's eyes light up the world.
I struggle each day to do the best I can for him because I know exactly what I've taken for granted. I know I can't take back the things I've said in the past, the thoughts I've felt. It's strange looking back at it now, I've always hated kids, I could never stand them, though now, I can barely deal with the fact of mine going to stay with his mom sometimes. I find that no matter how hectic and destructive the day can be, he seems to always find his way to me to make things better, even when he's the one pushing my buttons. The world could be ending and a simple smile and "I love you daddy." would be all I need to send me to the other side.
"I don't expect anything to be learned from this story, it's just something I wanted to share. Something I hold dear to my heart." - Ryan D.
I enjoy these moments of peace; the ones where I lay next to my son and I see him asleep as the world just passes us by. Funny are the times I would wake up with accidental drool dripping from my mouth, there's a feel here that I can never really explain, it's hilarious honestly, I'm in a moment of comfort. I can never express this enough in life but I am truly blessed to have him.
It was never always like this; I'm honestly far from the best dad in the world or anything relating to that in nature. It's a sad life when I look back at it, all my faults, so much I wish I could change, so many words I wish I had never said, though it's like so much in this world, once it's out you can never unsay it, people can never unhear things, they can never unread it. It was all there, I remember first finding out about the pregnancy, how it made me feel, I wasn't happy though I wasn't upset either, I was more unsure with the feelings of helplessness. Stupid is what I was when I think about it now, all I wanted was to party it up, live my life, deal with the problems dealt with me, I didn't need another, I didn't want a kid. A miscarriage or even an abortion was in my mind, I was so immature and greedy with my life, I could barely take care of myself, what made anybody think that I could take care of another..
You could plan a pregnancy all you want, people do it all the time, fuck on this month - pop out on that month. Though a man is never really prepared. All the planning and preparation all go out the window as soon as the words "I'm pregnant." are heard. There's a fear in us that deepens immensely, it makes a guy wonder:
"Am I truthfully ready for this?"
"Can I in my own spirit raise my own blood in this world?"
"Am I capable of guiding somebody to be a better person than I could ever be?"
I knew the truth in it; I couldn't do any of those things, I knew and I still know, how incapable of a parent I am.
Six pounds and fourteen ounces is how much my son weighed when he was born. I remember everything, every detail of his birth. Of course you probably don't want every visual memory I'm sure, but I can tell you I remember hearing him cry for the first time. Damn it was loud, not even comparable to how he screams at me now at the age of two. I remember those eyes, gorgeous big blue eyes, yes my son had blue eyes when he was born. I remember wanting to cry so badly because of how horrible of a person I knew I was, I knew I didn't deserve him, I know I still don't. But there's something about children that change your entire outlook on life, something about seeing your newborn's eyes light up the world.
I struggle each day to do the best I can for him because I know exactly what I've taken for granted. I know I can't take back the things I've said in the past, the thoughts I've felt. It's strange looking back at it now, I've always hated kids, I could never stand them, though now, I can barely deal with the fact of mine going to stay with his mom sometimes. I find that no matter how hectic and destructive the day can be, he seems to always find his way to me to make things better, even when he's the one pushing my buttons. The world could be ending and a simple smile and "I love you daddy." would be all I need to send me to the other side.
"I don't expect anything to be learned from this story, it's just something I wanted to share. Something I hold dear to my heart." - Ryan D.
20141114
the grind..
Those times so undeniable; you wake up and you're lazy, you're tired, you refuse to do what you have to do in order gain your success, your goals, your passions. Maybe you've just had too much to drink the night prior, you're feeling like a freight train has hit you right in the gut, maybe it's just one of those days you don't want to do shit. You're struggling with the idea to get out of bed, you're fighting yourself, you're angry at the clock as it alarms with sirens so ear shattering hell would wake up and break out themselves.
Take this moment to chime into what you want, take this moment to understand what you really so desperately want from yourself, what you want to be completed, what you want to gain, what brings you one step closer to something better. This isn't about anybody else but you, if sleep seems like the most beneficial thing to you,then by all means lay there and pass the hell out. Just remember though, when you wake up and you have that deep feeling of regret because you didn't get out and do what was necessary, remember that it was your choice.
"Moab labe." - Ryan D.
20141113
Murakami a Japanese surname..
"All things truly wicked start from innocence." - Ernest Hemingway
(play me while you read)
Let's delve into those moments of our youth; do you remember them, the innocence of a laugh, smile, hug, kiss. Those times when you did so much wrong but knew no difference between good or bad, only what you simply wanted and what you thought was right? Hilarious honestly, trying to count the numerous ass whoopings of my youth. Though we grow, we age, and strangely we see through the eyes of our parents.
The world is not a happy place, it is cold and distant and will rip you out at a moments notice. I constantly hate keeping my guard up each and everyday wondering who's going to snuff me from the left or right. I'm always curious as to who I've given an extensive amount of trust to versus who deserves it. What my down fall will be; whether it be a bullet to the head, a burnt bridge catching up with me, or maybe just good ol' fashion cancer.
There are these fearful moments I have that haunt me from time to time, they remind me that though I may feel that moment of a smile, that laughter that lingers, that kiss that melts in, nothing is ever consistent, there seems to always be a frown, a tear, and a broken heart right around the corner. I refuse to accept it though, I refuse to accept that things can't be the way that we want, my childish innocence reminds me that once everything was better, every doorway seemed to be brighter, love was passionate and happiness had a lifespan which lasted for years not moments.
I don't want this for my son; I don't want him looking around searching for the best in things, I want the best in things searching for him. I want him to keep his hopes and dreams for this world, I want him to challenge life and never have to worry about running out of happiness. A fantasy I know, though we grow, we age, and strangely we see through the eyes of our parents..
"Smiling a for moment, but waiting for what's around the corner." - Ryan D.
(play me while you read)
Let's delve into those moments of our youth; do you remember them, the innocence of a laugh, smile, hug, kiss. Those times when you did so much wrong but knew no difference between good or bad, only what you simply wanted and what you thought was right? Hilarious honestly, trying to count the numerous ass whoopings of my youth. Though we grow, we age, and strangely we see through the eyes of our parents.
The world is not a happy place, it is cold and distant and will rip you out at a moments notice. I constantly hate keeping my guard up each and everyday wondering who's going to snuff me from the left or right. I'm always curious as to who I've given an extensive amount of trust to versus who deserves it. What my down fall will be; whether it be a bullet to the head, a burnt bridge catching up with me, or maybe just good ol' fashion cancer.
There are these fearful moments I have that haunt me from time to time, they remind me that though I may feel that moment of a smile, that laughter that lingers, that kiss that melts in, nothing is ever consistent, there seems to always be a frown, a tear, and a broken heart right around the corner. I refuse to accept it though, I refuse to accept that things can't be the way that we want, my childish innocence reminds me that once everything was better, every doorway seemed to be brighter, love was passionate and happiness had a lifespan which lasted for years not moments.
I don't want this for my son; I don't want him looking around searching for the best in things, I want the best in things searching for him. I want him to keep his hopes and dreams for this world, I want him to challenge life and never have to worry about running out of happiness. A fantasy I know, though we grow, we age, and strangely we see through the eyes of our parents..
"Smiling a for moment, but waiting for what's around the corner." - Ryan D.
20141111
raw and uncut just for you sweetheart..
"To my usual readers, once again I apologize for the noise, I understand this isn't our usual read and that we try to displace emotion to a certain point to not turn our solace areas such as these into a personal and emotional battlefield." - Ryan D.
Raw to your heart and soul, that's what this is, that's what it was, that's what the feelings were when they were displaced in certain positions that halted all feeling and preserved no remorse. I've been trying to write this so many times since it's occurrence, different ways, different passages, irritating paragraphs, as if I were constantly changing a map due to it's topography. I'm continually sweeping up the chaos each day from the aftermath of a girl: silly little thing as it may sound. A hit and run victim is what I am; a slow smooth Saturday night blitzed by a cold blind side, only to realize that just as it had happened the perpetrator disappears as a ghost with no fault or care.
I'll level with you, I am fucking broken.. Nobody and I certainly mean nobody could ever understand and comprehend the amount of destruction which was laid waste, time has no say in what heals but rather ability and skill. It's the tiny pieces in all honesty, the ones you've got to keep an eye out for when you're working on such a delicate project as to rebuilding your heart, controlling what surrounds you and what people can see but will never really understand. Struggling to place each and every piece back into it's faithful location, married to perfection, a fragile job, though these things are meant to be in order to push forward, push into a direction that matters more, not a direction backwards, not something of repetition but something so spontaneous.
In reality this could perhaps all amount to my own doing, I trusted someone that I should never have, I had placed them on a very high pedestal which they never deserved to begin with. Faults and blames could be passed around so much, though let's be sincerely honest, it all happened, there's nothing I can do to change anything, nothing I can do to repair the shattered mirror broken into pieces. Sadly though the fact remains, I see the fucking cracks, and they disgust me to the point of regurgitation, as if someone continuously pretends that they're not there, that they could hang this mirror in a very obvious and glamorous place.
She lied; honestly I can't determine the difference between her lies and her truths at this point. All I know are the falsities that she shits out, some how some way determined to fix the broken mirror. The lies weren't what hurt the most, but the simple fact that I took the fall for a truth fabricated by a silly little girl: though thank you, you've made me realize who my true friends are versus the ones of immaturity and lack of concern.
Which leaves me at this very personal and specific note to you if you're reading right now:
Don't call me, don't text me, don't leave voicemails crying that you "need a friend". Don't message from numbers that don't exist; regarding your "love" for my son and myself, don't think there's anything for you in my home, or with my friends, or with my family. Don't pretend you have some kind of connection here at all or that anybody could care to respond to your cries for help, I will not entertain a liar that feeds on attention. I honestly do wish the best for you, maybe you'll learn the consequences to the ruin of other peoples lives, perhaps you'll stop pretending to be blind to every single thing you've done. Whatever we had or was between us; I want you to break your bathroom mirror and then glue it back together, see it every morning, see the imperfections you've made, see the reality in it.
"just something raw.." - Ryan D.
Raw to your heart and soul, that's what this is, that's what it was, that's what the feelings were when they were displaced in certain positions that halted all feeling and preserved no remorse. I've been trying to write this so many times since it's occurrence, different ways, different passages, irritating paragraphs, as if I were constantly changing a map due to it's topography. I'm continually sweeping up the chaos each day from the aftermath of a girl: silly little thing as it may sound. A hit and run victim is what I am; a slow smooth Saturday night blitzed by a cold blind side, only to realize that just as it had happened the perpetrator disappears as a ghost with no fault or care.
I'll level with you, I am fucking broken.. Nobody and I certainly mean nobody could ever understand and comprehend the amount of destruction which was laid waste, time has no say in what heals but rather ability and skill. It's the tiny pieces in all honesty, the ones you've got to keep an eye out for when you're working on such a delicate project as to rebuilding your heart, controlling what surrounds you and what people can see but will never really understand. Struggling to place each and every piece back into it's faithful location, married to perfection, a fragile job, though these things are meant to be in order to push forward, push into a direction that matters more, not a direction backwards, not something of repetition but something so spontaneous.
In reality this could perhaps all amount to my own doing, I trusted someone that I should never have, I had placed them on a very high pedestal which they never deserved to begin with. Faults and blames could be passed around so much, though let's be sincerely honest, it all happened, there's nothing I can do to change anything, nothing I can do to repair the shattered mirror broken into pieces. Sadly though the fact remains, I see the fucking cracks, and they disgust me to the point of regurgitation, as if someone continuously pretends that they're not there, that they could hang this mirror in a very obvious and glamorous place.
She lied; honestly I can't determine the difference between her lies and her truths at this point. All I know are the falsities that she shits out, some how some way determined to fix the broken mirror. The lies weren't what hurt the most, but the simple fact that I took the fall for a truth fabricated by a silly little girl: though thank you, you've made me realize who my true friends are versus the ones of immaturity and lack of concern.
Which leaves me at this very personal and specific note to you if you're reading right now:
Don't call me, don't text me, don't leave voicemails crying that you "need a friend". Don't message from numbers that don't exist; regarding your "love" for my son and myself, don't think there's anything for you in my home, or with my friends, or with my family. Don't pretend you have some kind of connection here at all or that anybody could care to respond to your cries for help, I will not entertain a liar that feeds on attention. I honestly do wish the best for you, maybe you'll learn the consequences to the ruin of other peoples lives, perhaps you'll stop pretending to be blind to every single thing you've done. Whatever we had or was between us; I want you to break your bathroom mirror and then glue it back together, see it every morning, see the imperfections you've made, see the reality in it.
"just something raw.." - Ryan D.
20141110
be back in a minute..
Lack of material as of late, currently on vacation.
Happy Birthday Marines, Semper Fi..
-Ryan D.
Happy Birthday Marines, Semper Fi..
-Ryan D.
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