a truth never told..

(play me if you want)

I enjoy these moments of peace; the ones where I lay next to my son and I see him asleep as the world just passes us by. Funny are the times I would wake up with accidental drool dripping from my mouth, there's a feel here that I can never really explain, it's hilarious honestly, I'm in a moment of comfort. I can never express this enough in life but I am truly blessed to have him.

It was never always like this; I'm honestly far from the best dad in the world or anything relating to that in nature. It's a sad life when I look back at it, all my faults, so much I wish I could change, so many words I wish I had never said, though it's like so much in this world, once it's out you can never unsay it, people can never unhear things, they can never unread it. It was all there, I remember first finding out about the pregnancy, how it made me feel, I wasn't happy though I wasn't upset either, I was more unsure with the feelings of helplessness. Stupid is what I was when I think about it now, all I wanted was to party it up, live my life, deal with the problems dealt with me, I didn't need another, I didn't want a kid. A miscarriage or even an abortion was in my mind, I was so immature and greedy with my life, I could barely take care of myself, what made anybody think that I could take care of another..

You could plan a pregnancy all you want, people do it all the time, fuck on this month - pop out on that month. Though a man is never really prepared. All the planning and preparation all go out the window as soon as the words "I'm pregnant." are heard. There's a fear in us that deepens immensely, it makes a guy wonder:

"Am I truthfully ready for this?"

"Can I in my own spirit raise my own blood in this world?"

"Am I capable of guiding somebody to be a better person than I could ever be?"

I knew the truth in it; I couldn't do any of those things, I knew and I still know, how incapable of a parent I am.

Six pounds and fourteen ounces is how much my son weighed when he was born. I remember everything, every detail of his birth. Of course you probably don't want every visual memory I'm sure, but I can tell you I remember hearing him cry for the first time. Damn it was loud, not even comparable to how he screams at me now at the age of two. I remember those eyes, gorgeous big blue eyes, yes my son had blue eyes when he was born. I remember wanting to cry so badly because of how horrible of a person I knew I was, I knew I didn't deserve him, I know I still don't. But there's something about children that change your entire outlook on life, something about seeing your newborn's eyes light up the world.

I struggle each day to do the best I can for him because I know exactly what I've taken for granted. I know I can't take back the things I've said in the past, the thoughts I've felt. It's strange looking back at it now, I've always hated kids, I could never stand them, though now, I can barely deal with the fact of mine going to stay with his mom sometimes. I find that no matter how hectic and destructive the day can be, he seems to always find his way to me to make things better, even when he's the one pushing my buttons. The world could be ending and a simple smile and "I love you daddy." would be all I need to send me to the other side.

"I don't expect anything to be learned from this story, it's just something I wanted to share. Something I hold dear to my heart." - Ryan D.