"Simply having a wonderful Christmas time." - Paul McCartney
From that easy smile to glaring eyes, simple yet perfect. Christmas music plays in the background, as noises of happy couples walk through the streets. There's a peace to it, a peace that subsides deep in the heart keeping us warm and blessed. This season brings out the most precious of nature within us as it holds down the grim behavior of hate and despair, it reminds us that love flourishes with something so simple as a stranger's smile, a child's laugh, and the hope of a new year rising. A few days left as we wrestle amongst one another to grab those last minute gifts for that special someone; malls are packed, sales are happening, and parties are being had. We're all in 5th gear trying to reach the finish line; as we wrap the presents, drink the eggnog, and watch reruns of "A Christmas Carol"
This is the last entry for this year. To the readers; I have always appreciated you and without you this site would truly be wasted ink. Celebrate Christmas and the New Year right: with people you care about and people that care about you. Be courageous and kiss that special someone under the mistletoe. Drink hearty because your soul needs something good to carry it through time. Hold that special someones hand and never let go. Cry because it hurts, cry because it makes you human, cry and then pick yourself back up. Remember who you are and what you want with yourself, set goals for this upcoming year, set goals that matter to you most importantly, let your dreams move you and allow your dreams to become realities. Above all; love..
"Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. See you on this side or the other." - Ryan D.
20141222
20141219
to the broken heart..
"Love is hard to find, hard to keep, and hard to forget." - Alysha Speer
To the broken heart; pieces lay in the wake of the aftermath, a fight, painful words, thrown glass, and a broken soul. They have undoubtedly taken it's toll on your already weakened body. The boiling pain that has built up around unsaid things, undone comfort, cheating spouses, a broken home.
You can only concern yourself with negative thoughts, your sadness has turned to anger, your anger to hate, your hate delving into depression. A broken heart; like a glass ball chipped away little by little each and every time it is dropped, the caretaker you had given it to is continuously clumsy, they don't bother to concern themselves with repairs, they care not about what consequences come, or the outcome this may bring, love is what created you, selfishness is what broke you.
Crying yourself to sleep, helps ease the pain. Drinking to keep beautiful memories at bay which only remind us of what once was and what is now. Your scars are fresh but dry. Lost is what things have come to.
To the broken heart; the pieces will return to you, your true caretaker never abandoned you, he or she lay waiting silently, peaceful as a summer night, with glue in hand like a child at play. Your strength will return, you body will regain. You will ignore what could have been, what you exclaim should have been, because you will understand what had to have been.
Positive thoughts will wrap you as your depression subsides. Hate lingers and anger will toy with you, though eventually you will learn that in time, you will care less about things that seemed to matter so greatly but worth so little. The more you smile you attract the warmth of company, the warmth that dries the wet adhesive as it does its work to connect and bringing back sanity, bringing back a repaired heart, a whole heart, which you own and shall keep safe once again.
To the whole heart; be wary upon who may hold you. Understand and know that taking care of yourself is the key to finding someone who will do the same for you. Don't rush into the heat of battle but calmly and diligently move through to success. Smile confidence when you see your scars, allow them to remind you the worst you've been through and that you would do it all over again knowing it would land you to be who you are.. A better person.
"Breath in what matters and exhale the unfortunate." - Ryan D.
To the broken heart; pieces lay in the wake of the aftermath, a fight, painful words, thrown glass, and a broken soul. They have undoubtedly taken it's toll on your already weakened body. The boiling pain that has built up around unsaid things, undone comfort, cheating spouses, a broken home.
You can only concern yourself with negative thoughts, your sadness has turned to anger, your anger to hate, your hate delving into depression. A broken heart; like a glass ball chipped away little by little each and every time it is dropped, the caretaker you had given it to is continuously clumsy, they don't bother to concern themselves with repairs, they care not about what consequences come, or the outcome this may bring, love is what created you, selfishness is what broke you.
Crying yourself to sleep, helps ease the pain. Drinking to keep beautiful memories at bay which only remind us of what once was and what is now. Your scars are fresh but dry. Lost is what things have come to.
To the broken heart; the pieces will return to you, your true caretaker never abandoned you, he or she lay waiting silently, peaceful as a summer night, with glue in hand like a child at play. Your strength will return, you body will regain. You will ignore what could have been, what you exclaim should have been, because you will understand what had to have been.
Positive thoughts will wrap you as your depression subsides. Hate lingers and anger will toy with you, though eventually you will learn that in time, you will care less about things that seemed to matter so greatly but worth so little. The more you smile you attract the warmth of company, the warmth that dries the wet adhesive as it does its work to connect and bringing back sanity, bringing back a repaired heart, a whole heart, which you own and shall keep safe once again.
To the whole heart; be wary upon who may hold you. Understand and know that taking care of yourself is the key to finding someone who will do the same for you. Don't rush into the heat of battle but calmly and diligently move through to success. Smile confidence when you see your scars, allow them to remind you the worst you've been through and that you would do it all over again knowing it would land you to be who you are.. A better person.
"Breath in what matters and exhale the unfortunate." - Ryan D.
20141218
a letter to my younger self.
Dear You.. Well rather me,
It struck me this morning that I've written so many letters in my life time and yet I have failed to ignore you so many times. This is to you; the younger me, a letter I wish you could've read in time. Just an insight on you and some hope for your future.
Consider this; you are young, arrogant, and fucking stupid. Your pride will take a toll on so many of the things you do, and you or rather I will feel it in the long run. You'll regret a lot; from not saying "I love you." enough, not listening to others, spending most of your time with the unimportant versus those who really matter, getting a credit card and opening loan accounts, breaking your close friends hearts and ending friendships that mattered, quitting jobs that cared, ruining your parents and breaking their hearts, going to college late, caring about what everybody thinks of you versus what really mattered, not seeing that you were used, mistaking trust as a business card as if you could pass it around to anyone, missing out on opportunities with girls with those warm smiles, allowing your close friends to put up with your shit, constantly being selfish and several other things that I am probably failing to mention.
Though you'll eventually learn humility through prideful mistakes; you'll clean up well. You'll definitely drink more but blacking out and hugging toilets will be over. Your arrogance will fade and you'll act a little wiser. You'll hold on to those you love as tightly as possible. You will cry. It'll hurt that you've burned bridges with so many but you'll recycle wood to try and build new ones with others if not those you left behind. Everyone that matters to you will know. People will hate you and you'll eventually learn not to care, you won't reciprocate stupidity. Strangely you still give food and cigarettes to homeless people versus money. You'll not only listen more but you'll give advice that matters. You'll take care of your looks without the regard of others opinions. You'll hold the hearts that are given to you, in a safe and sacred place. You will never allow the opportunity of someone shattering your own heart once again, though once in awhile you'll slip and fall from grace and things will seem painful, but trust me, it's not the end and you won't have to balls to stay in that dark miserable place, eventually you'll climb up the ladder of life like always. You'll always love others the way you love yourself: loving yourself won't be so difficult when you stop frowning so much. You'll read more and listen to music you never thought you would like. You'll try to pay all your bills. You'll hold your parents tight, your son tighter, and you'll always pray that they never let go. Apologizing will be more sincere and you'll always learn from those mistakes. You'll trust a select few and they'll be the ones that count. You will hate yourself for being so selfish to begin with and you'll learn to forgive yourself. It's okay, you don't have to be scared, you'll be lost at times but always find your way. There will be scars that remind you to always be a better person.
Picture this, it won't be so bad, it will weigh heavy on you at times, and you will be angry. But trust me there will always be a helping hand around the corner, somebody will always have your back, you're never alone, and eventually you'll be me realizing the journey hasn't been bad at all.
So smile, stand up tall.
Your dearest self,
Ryan De Los Reyes
It struck me this morning that I've written so many letters in my life time and yet I have failed to ignore you so many times. This is to you; the younger me, a letter I wish you could've read in time. Just an insight on you and some hope for your future.
Consider this; you are young, arrogant, and fucking stupid. Your pride will take a toll on so many of the things you do, and you or rather I will feel it in the long run. You'll regret a lot; from not saying "I love you." enough, not listening to others, spending most of your time with the unimportant versus those who really matter, getting a credit card and opening loan accounts, breaking your close friends hearts and ending friendships that mattered, quitting jobs that cared, ruining your parents and breaking their hearts, going to college late, caring about what everybody thinks of you versus what really mattered, not seeing that you were used, mistaking trust as a business card as if you could pass it around to anyone, missing out on opportunities with girls with those warm smiles, allowing your close friends to put up with your shit, constantly being selfish and several other things that I am probably failing to mention.
Though you'll eventually learn humility through prideful mistakes; you'll clean up well. You'll definitely drink more but blacking out and hugging toilets will be over. Your arrogance will fade and you'll act a little wiser. You'll hold on to those you love as tightly as possible. You will cry. It'll hurt that you've burned bridges with so many but you'll recycle wood to try and build new ones with others if not those you left behind. Everyone that matters to you will know. People will hate you and you'll eventually learn not to care, you won't reciprocate stupidity. Strangely you still give food and cigarettes to homeless people versus money. You'll not only listen more but you'll give advice that matters. You'll take care of your looks without the regard of others opinions. You'll hold the hearts that are given to you, in a safe and sacred place. You will never allow the opportunity of someone shattering your own heart once again, though once in awhile you'll slip and fall from grace and things will seem painful, but trust me, it's not the end and you won't have to balls to stay in that dark miserable place, eventually you'll climb up the ladder of life like always. You'll always love others the way you love yourself: loving yourself won't be so difficult when you stop frowning so much. You'll read more and listen to music you never thought you would like. You'll try to pay all your bills. You'll hold your parents tight, your son tighter, and you'll always pray that they never let go. Apologizing will be more sincere and you'll always learn from those mistakes. You'll trust a select few and they'll be the ones that count. You will hate yourself for being so selfish to begin with and you'll learn to forgive yourself. It's okay, you don't have to be scared, you'll be lost at times but always find your way. There will be scars that remind you to always be a better person.
Picture this, it won't be so bad, it will weigh heavy on you at times, and you will be angry. But trust me there will always be a helping hand around the corner, somebody will always have your back, you're never alone, and eventually you'll be me realizing the journey hasn't been bad at all.
So smile, stand up tall.
Your dearest self,
Ryan De Los Reyes
20141216
insert here, then start shakin..
"insert quote here" - Sorry this is the best i've got
Blank sheets of paper, with permanent marks on them. We realize nothing at this time is perfect, nothing is ever at it's best, though accepting is what makes us our better selves. You constantly hear about people trying to change others, trying to make them different, make them better, why is that? Are we so self indulged that we hold a greater power over others to mold them into a certain way?
I stopped caring; I stopped caring about all the stupid shit, all the sideline comments, all the high and mightiness which surrounds you on a daily basis, the judges and the jury. Perhaps maybe I just started drinking more, but it doesn't matter. You know they say old wounds heal, and that they do, they heal but leave scars which constantly remind us. The trick however is to press on, there's no doubt that you'll always see that mark, but you can always press on. I know the stories, I see the constant glare I get from people once close, but what do they know, what do they understand? Fuck em, that's the best I've got, I'm not holding grudges, I'm holding things that are dear to me.
Don't indulge in what others think, give a kind nod and move on. You know just as well as I do, that moment when you were told you "don't touch", you'll still touched. You want to feel the mistakes, you want to feel the moment, what cares do you have that others know better than you, that others know what matters more. The price you pay is small, all that matters is the freedom that your soul continues to feed on. You're free to make your own decisions as always, sure hear and listen to the sideline comments, listen to whatever. Do what feels right to you.. though I will warn, know when you need to protect yourself.
"Cancer, one hell of a drug I suppose." - Ryan D.
Blank sheets of paper, with permanent marks on them. We realize nothing at this time is perfect, nothing is ever at it's best, though accepting is what makes us our better selves. You constantly hear about people trying to change others, trying to make them different, make them better, why is that? Are we so self indulged that we hold a greater power over others to mold them into a certain way?
I stopped caring; I stopped caring about all the stupid shit, all the sideline comments, all the high and mightiness which surrounds you on a daily basis, the judges and the jury. Perhaps maybe I just started drinking more, but it doesn't matter. You know they say old wounds heal, and that they do, they heal but leave scars which constantly remind us. The trick however is to press on, there's no doubt that you'll always see that mark, but you can always press on. I know the stories, I see the constant glare I get from people once close, but what do they know, what do they understand? Fuck em, that's the best I've got, I'm not holding grudges, I'm holding things that are dear to me.
Don't indulge in what others think, give a kind nod and move on. You know just as well as I do, that moment when you were told you "don't touch", you'll still touched. You want to feel the mistakes, you want to feel the moment, what cares do you have that others know better than you, that others know what matters more. The price you pay is small, all that matters is the freedom that your soul continues to feed on. You're free to make your own decisions as always, sure hear and listen to the sideline comments, listen to whatever. Do what feels right to you.. though I will warn, know when you need to protect yourself.
"Cancer, one hell of a drug I suppose." - Ryan D.
20141210
christmas disappearing act.
I'm sorry; I haven't writtten much and most likely because I've been drinking most of my life away. Though I promise you I've been hit by the Christmas cheer, I've been hit by things that count, things that matter, things that make me smile. Take your time with everything, take your time and breath in what counts. Deal with the world that makes sense to you, take time that counts, smile because of the simple things, try to forget all the things that hurt.
Merry Christmas to you all, if you don't hear from me the rest of this year, I promise to be there for you in the New Year.
"Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart, You finish the rest." - Ryan D.
Merry Christmas to you all, if you don't hear from me the rest of this year, I promise to be there for you in the New Year.
"Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart, You finish the rest." - Ryan D.
20141127
giving of thanks to the the small simple things..
"Isn't it peculiar, Charlie Brown, how some traditions just slowly fade away?" - Lucy (A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving)
Let's not get ahead of ourselves; I see the Christmas trees up already, I see the shopping hitting earlier and earlier as each year passes. I see people and their lights being put up, decorating before the race even starts. Even Christmas specials sold during the Halloween season. I'm going to set this straight right here before we all jump the gun. Happy Thanksgiving.
Don't overlook what you have, what counts, what matters. Stay strong in times of adversity, nothing ever really matters but what you hold dear in your heart. It's the small simple things that bring a smile to my face; a smile from a stranger, a couple holding hands with their child, a girl walking her faithful and happy canine companion. These things overlooked all the time; they're simple but can mean so much.
They're reminders telling us we're connected, that the weight of the world though how heavy it may seem is not just our own to bear. It's spread through the world, like the ripples in water, we interconnect with one another. Like the rings in a tree stump: we tell a story, like the diamonds found in mines: we express beauty. These simple and yet so meaningful things. Stay close to them, stay strong to them, and be thankful that we have such small pieces of humanity still left around us.
Thankful is what seems to be missing so dearly lately, we take for granted these small yet so dearly important things in our lives.
"Thanks for reading.." - Ryan D.
Here's some Thanksgiving hacks I think you might find useful..
Let's not get ahead of ourselves; I see the Christmas trees up already, I see the shopping hitting earlier and earlier as each year passes. I see people and their lights being put up, decorating before the race even starts. Even Christmas specials sold during the Halloween season. I'm going to set this straight right here before we all jump the gun. Happy Thanksgiving.
Don't overlook what you have, what counts, what matters. Stay strong in times of adversity, nothing ever really matters but what you hold dear in your heart. It's the small simple things that bring a smile to my face; a smile from a stranger, a couple holding hands with their child, a girl walking her faithful and happy canine companion. These things overlooked all the time; they're simple but can mean so much.
They're reminders telling us we're connected, that the weight of the world though how heavy it may seem is not just our own to bear. It's spread through the world, like the ripples in water, we interconnect with one another. Like the rings in a tree stump: we tell a story, like the diamonds found in mines: we express beauty. These simple and yet so meaningful things. Stay close to them, stay strong to them, and be thankful that we have such small pieces of humanity still left around us.
Thankful is what seems to be missing so dearly lately, we take for granted these small yet so dearly important things in our lives.
"Thanks for reading.." - Ryan D.
Here's some Thanksgiving hacks I think you might find useful..
20141122
the pain that defines us.. leaving us speechless.
"Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future." - Robert H. Schuller
When the pain sinks in and all things are dark and confusing, you're surrounded by questions, all of which begin with a simple "Why?" I can't answer for what you're going through, I can't give you the strength to walk through the flames, I can only explain that it gets better. Usually the pain subsides because you've found an outlet for things, you've figured out an escape whether it be great or small.
This could apply to your divorce, losing a child, the feelings of insignificance. It's all the same in your heart, it all turns black in the end, though it's your choice to figure whether you want it black or not. You've got to pick yourself up eventually, strive for a better purpose, your resolve will grow with the strength you find from things that matter, not things that try to bury you but the things that try to pick you up. I've been there where you are; it's dark, cold, and desolate. You choose to isolate yourself from things that really do matter in order to keep a facade that you'd rather have people see. You'd rather them see a fake smile versus tears all over the floor, you'd rather them see someone who could give a damn less that they're broken: pretending everything is alright versus a man crying in another mans arms. We're creatures of deceit.
We all have our own ways of dealing with problems, I'm not saying take them and bury them deep down inside, keeping them far from the reaches of everyone. I'm saying keep the cards you're dealt with, keep them and see what fortune you can muster up through the flames, push harder, push stronger. Find your strength in the good things that surround you, not what tries to overcome you but what has always consistently been there for your. Your love, your hopes, your dreams - Your children, your family, your spouse, the work you have attained. Don't let what's trying to kill you keep you down, don't let the pain hold you forever.
"You could be looking for love in a stranger's arms and that love could be all you need to heal." - Ryan D.
When the pain sinks in and all things are dark and confusing, you're surrounded by questions, all of which begin with a simple "Why?" I can't answer for what you're going through, I can't give you the strength to walk through the flames, I can only explain that it gets better. Usually the pain subsides because you've found an outlet for things, you've figured out an escape whether it be great or small.
This could apply to your divorce, losing a child, the feelings of insignificance. It's all the same in your heart, it all turns black in the end, though it's your choice to figure whether you want it black or not. You've got to pick yourself up eventually, strive for a better purpose, your resolve will grow with the strength you find from things that matter, not things that try to bury you but the things that try to pick you up. I've been there where you are; it's dark, cold, and desolate. You choose to isolate yourself from things that really do matter in order to keep a facade that you'd rather have people see. You'd rather them see a fake smile versus tears all over the floor, you'd rather them see someone who could give a damn less that they're broken: pretending everything is alright versus a man crying in another mans arms. We're creatures of deceit.
We all have our own ways of dealing with problems, I'm not saying take them and bury them deep down inside, keeping them far from the reaches of everyone. I'm saying keep the cards you're dealt with, keep them and see what fortune you can muster up through the flames, push harder, push stronger. Find your strength in the good things that surround you, not what tries to overcome you but what has always consistently been there for your. Your love, your hopes, your dreams - Your children, your family, your spouse, the work you have attained. Don't let what's trying to kill you keep you down, don't let the pain hold you forever.
"You could be looking for love in a stranger's arms and that love could be all you need to heal." - Ryan D.
20141117
age in motion..
We are men made of persistence; we struggle with each day differently, as boys we know only selfishness and understand only what keeps us content and satisfied, never are we concerned about the world around us. Awareness is the difference between each man, knowing what they touch: what they build and what they destroy. Understanding that every motion and decision we make ripples as if water in the open sea.
As I grow older; I see what results come from times of my youth, I notice slowly that the decisions I've made, the bridges I've burned, and all the people I've hurt have all been poisoned by my own touch. I'm aware of my mistakes and what cause it has taken upon so many people. Burdens are what I've built around me, my own youths selfishness remind me not to play as the boy, but to accept the consequences and push forward.
Growing older for me means searching for a way out, I'm always in search of opportunities to better myself for my family. My family; it's what I constantly think of almost always.. How I can create a life for my son that I could never have, one that wasn't meant for me but could be meant for him. As a parent we struggle to keep our children from making the same mistakes that we've made, we want them to be better than us, we want them to be more than us.
I couldn't tell you why I even bother writing anymore, honestly; I'm exhausted from all the bullshit that surrounds me. The stench of broken loyalties, the ignorance of burned bridges, the cries of stupidity. I am the circle that I keep and that is why my circle has grown small over the past years. Small to only the people that truly matter in my life, the ones that I know would help carry the burden.
The choice to be a man is to choose to be aware of what you've done wrong and what you've done right. Knowing, understanding and remembering the things you've touched. Being aware of every ripple it makes, everyone affected, everything connected.
"Bloodshot are my words, strong my heart, clenched are my fist. Driving on this dirt road until I find it's end." - Ryan D.
20141116
a truth never told..
(play me if you want)
I enjoy these moments of peace; the ones where I lay next to my son and I see him asleep as the world just passes us by. Funny are the times I would wake up with accidental drool dripping from my mouth, there's a feel here that I can never really explain, it's hilarious honestly, I'm in a moment of comfort. I can never express this enough in life but I am truly blessed to have him.
It was never always like this; I'm honestly far from the best dad in the world or anything relating to that in nature. It's a sad life when I look back at it, all my faults, so much I wish I could change, so many words I wish I had never said, though it's like so much in this world, once it's out you can never unsay it, people can never unhear things, they can never unread it. It was all there, I remember first finding out about the pregnancy, how it made me feel, I wasn't happy though I wasn't upset either, I was more unsure with the feelings of helplessness. Stupid is what I was when I think about it now, all I wanted was to party it up, live my life, deal with the problems dealt with me, I didn't need another, I didn't want a kid. A miscarriage or even an abortion was in my mind, I was so immature and greedy with my life, I could barely take care of myself, what made anybody think that I could take care of another..
You could plan a pregnancy all you want, people do it all the time, fuck on this month - pop out on that month. Though a man is never really prepared. All the planning and preparation all go out the window as soon as the words "I'm pregnant." are heard. There's a fear in us that deepens immensely, it makes a guy wonder:
"Am I truthfully ready for this?"
"Can I in my own spirit raise my own blood in this world?"
"Am I capable of guiding somebody to be a better person than I could ever be?"
I knew the truth in it; I couldn't do any of those things, I knew and I still know, how incapable of a parent I am.
Six pounds and fourteen ounces is how much my son weighed when he was born. I remember everything, every detail of his birth. Of course you probably don't want every visual memory I'm sure, but I can tell you I remember hearing him cry for the first time. Damn it was loud, not even comparable to how he screams at me now at the age of two. I remember those eyes, gorgeous big blue eyes, yes my son had blue eyes when he was born. I remember wanting to cry so badly because of how horrible of a person I knew I was, I knew I didn't deserve him, I know I still don't. But there's something about children that change your entire outlook on life, something about seeing your newborn's eyes light up the world.
I struggle each day to do the best I can for him because I know exactly what I've taken for granted. I know I can't take back the things I've said in the past, the thoughts I've felt. It's strange looking back at it now, I've always hated kids, I could never stand them, though now, I can barely deal with the fact of mine going to stay with his mom sometimes. I find that no matter how hectic and destructive the day can be, he seems to always find his way to me to make things better, even when he's the one pushing my buttons. The world could be ending and a simple smile and "I love you daddy." would be all I need to send me to the other side.
"I don't expect anything to be learned from this story, it's just something I wanted to share. Something I hold dear to my heart." - Ryan D.
I enjoy these moments of peace; the ones where I lay next to my son and I see him asleep as the world just passes us by. Funny are the times I would wake up with accidental drool dripping from my mouth, there's a feel here that I can never really explain, it's hilarious honestly, I'm in a moment of comfort. I can never express this enough in life but I am truly blessed to have him.
It was never always like this; I'm honestly far from the best dad in the world or anything relating to that in nature. It's a sad life when I look back at it, all my faults, so much I wish I could change, so many words I wish I had never said, though it's like so much in this world, once it's out you can never unsay it, people can never unhear things, they can never unread it. It was all there, I remember first finding out about the pregnancy, how it made me feel, I wasn't happy though I wasn't upset either, I was more unsure with the feelings of helplessness. Stupid is what I was when I think about it now, all I wanted was to party it up, live my life, deal with the problems dealt with me, I didn't need another, I didn't want a kid. A miscarriage or even an abortion was in my mind, I was so immature and greedy with my life, I could barely take care of myself, what made anybody think that I could take care of another..
You could plan a pregnancy all you want, people do it all the time, fuck on this month - pop out on that month. Though a man is never really prepared. All the planning and preparation all go out the window as soon as the words "I'm pregnant." are heard. There's a fear in us that deepens immensely, it makes a guy wonder:
"Am I truthfully ready for this?"
"Can I in my own spirit raise my own blood in this world?"
"Am I capable of guiding somebody to be a better person than I could ever be?"
I knew the truth in it; I couldn't do any of those things, I knew and I still know, how incapable of a parent I am.
Six pounds and fourteen ounces is how much my son weighed when he was born. I remember everything, every detail of his birth. Of course you probably don't want every visual memory I'm sure, but I can tell you I remember hearing him cry for the first time. Damn it was loud, not even comparable to how he screams at me now at the age of two. I remember those eyes, gorgeous big blue eyes, yes my son had blue eyes when he was born. I remember wanting to cry so badly because of how horrible of a person I knew I was, I knew I didn't deserve him, I know I still don't. But there's something about children that change your entire outlook on life, something about seeing your newborn's eyes light up the world.
I struggle each day to do the best I can for him because I know exactly what I've taken for granted. I know I can't take back the things I've said in the past, the thoughts I've felt. It's strange looking back at it now, I've always hated kids, I could never stand them, though now, I can barely deal with the fact of mine going to stay with his mom sometimes. I find that no matter how hectic and destructive the day can be, he seems to always find his way to me to make things better, even when he's the one pushing my buttons. The world could be ending and a simple smile and "I love you daddy." would be all I need to send me to the other side.
"I don't expect anything to be learned from this story, it's just something I wanted to share. Something I hold dear to my heart." - Ryan D.
20141114
the grind..
Those times so undeniable; you wake up and you're lazy, you're tired, you refuse to do what you have to do in order gain your success, your goals, your passions. Maybe you've just had too much to drink the night prior, you're feeling like a freight train has hit you right in the gut, maybe it's just one of those days you don't want to do shit. You're struggling with the idea to get out of bed, you're fighting yourself, you're angry at the clock as it alarms with sirens so ear shattering hell would wake up and break out themselves.
Take this moment to chime into what you want, take this moment to understand what you really so desperately want from yourself, what you want to be completed, what you want to gain, what brings you one step closer to something better. This isn't about anybody else but you, if sleep seems like the most beneficial thing to you,then by all means lay there and pass the hell out. Just remember though, when you wake up and you have that deep feeling of regret because you didn't get out and do what was necessary, remember that it was your choice.
"Moab labe." - Ryan D.
20141113
Murakami a Japanese surname..
"All things truly wicked start from innocence." - Ernest Hemingway
(play me while you read)
Let's delve into those moments of our youth; do you remember them, the innocence of a laugh, smile, hug, kiss. Those times when you did so much wrong but knew no difference between good or bad, only what you simply wanted and what you thought was right? Hilarious honestly, trying to count the numerous ass whoopings of my youth. Though we grow, we age, and strangely we see through the eyes of our parents.
The world is not a happy place, it is cold and distant and will rip you out at a moments notice. I constantly hate keeping my guard up each and everyday wondering who's going to snuff me from the left or right. I'm always curious as to who I've given an extensive amount of trust to versus who deserves it. What my down fall will be; whether it be a bullet to the head, a burnt bridge catching up with me, or maybe just good ol' fashion cancer.
There are these fearful moments I have that haunt me from time to time, they remind me that though I may feel that moment of a smile, that laughter that lingers, that kiss that melts in, nothing is ever consistent, there seems to always be a frown, a tear, and a broken heart right around the corner. I refuse to accept it though, I refuse to accept that things can't be the way that we want, my childish innocence reminds me that once everything was better, every doorway seemed to be brighter, love was passionate and happiness had a lifespan which lasted for years not moments.
I don't want this for my son; I don't want him looking around searching for the best in things, I want the best in things searching for him. I want him to keep his hopes and dreams for this world, I want him to challenge life and never have to worry about running out of happiness. A fantasy I know, though we grow, we age, and strangely we see through the eyes of our parents..
"Smiling a for moment, but waiting for what's around the corner." - Ryan D.
(play me while you read)
Let's delve into those moments of our youth; do you remember them, the innocence of a laugh, smile, hug, kiss. Those times when you did so much wrong but knew no difference between good or bad, only what you simply wanted and what you thought was right? Hilarious honestly, trying to count the numerous ass whoopings of my youth. Though we grow, we age, and strangely we see through the eyes of our parents.
The world is not a happy place, it is cold and distant and will rip you out at a moments notice. I constantly hate keeping my guard up each and everyday wondering who's going to snuff me from the left or right. I'm always curious as to who I've given an extensive amount of trust to versus who deserves it. What my down fall will be; whether it be a bullet to the head, a burnt bridge catching up with me, or maybe just good ol' fashion cancer.
There are these fearful moments I have that haunt me from time to time, they remind me that though I may feel that moment of a smile, that laughter that lingers, that kiss that melts in, nothing is ever consistent, there seems to always be a frown, a tear, and a broken heart right around the corner. I refuse to accept it though, I refuse to accept that things can't be the way that we want, my childish innocence reminds me that once everything was better, every doorway seemed to be brighter, love was passionate and happiness had a lifespan which lasted for years not moments.
I don't want this for my son; I don't want him looking around searching for the best in things, I want the best in things searching for him. I want him to keep his hopes and dreams for this world, I want him to challenge life and never have to worry about running out of happiness. A fantasy I know, though we grow, we age, and strangely we see through the eyes of our parents..
"Smiling a for moment, but waiting for what's around the corner." - Ryan D.
20141111
raw and uncut just for you sweetheart..
"To my usual readers, once again I apologize for the noise, I understand this isn't our usual read and that we try to displace emotion to a certain point to not turn our solace areas such as these into a personal and emotional battlefield." - Ryan D.
Raw to your heart and soul, that's what this is, that's what it was, that's what the feelings were when they were displaced in certain positions that halted all feeling and preserved no remorse. I've been trying to write this so many times since it's occurrence, different ways, different passages, irritating paragraphs, as if I were constantly changing a map due to it's topography. I'm continually sweeping up the chaos each day from the aftermath of a girl: silly little thing as it may sound. A hit and run victim is what I am; a slow smooth Saturday night blitzed by a cold blind side, only to realize that just as it had happened the perpetrator disappears as a ghost with no fault or care.
I'll level with you, I am fucking broken.. Nobody and I certainly mean nobody could ever understand and comprehend the amount of destruction which was laid waste, time has no say in what heals but rather ability and skill. It's the tiny pieces in all honesty, the ones you've got to keep an eye out for when you're working on such a delicate project as to rebuilding your heart, controlling what surrounds you and what people can see but will never really understand. Struggling to place each and every piece back into it's faithful location, married to perfection, a fragile job, though these things are meant to be in order to push forward, push into a direction that matters more, not a direction backwards, not something of repetition but something so spontaneous.
In reality this could perhaps all amount to my own doing, I trusted someone that I should never have, I had placed them on a very high pedestal which they never deserved to begin with. Faults and blames could be passed around so much, though let's be sincerely honest, it all happened, there's nothing I can do to change anything, nothing I can do to repair the shattered mirror broken into pieces. Sadly though the fact remains, I see the fucking cracks, and they disgust me to the point of regurgitation, as if someone continuously pretends that they're not there, that they could hang this mirror in a very obvious and glamorous place.
She lied; honestly I can't determine the difference between her lies and her truths at this point. All I know are the falsities that she shits out, some how some way determined to fix the broken mirror. The lies weren't what hurt the most, but the simple fact that I took the fall for a truth fabricated by a silly little girl: though thank you, you've made me realize who my true friends are versus the ones of immaturity and lack of concern.
Which leaves me at this very personal and specific note to you if you're reading right now:
Don't call me, don't text me, don't leave voicemails crying that you "need a friend". Don't message from numbers that don't exist; regarding your "love" for my son and myself, don't think there's anything for you in my home, or with my friends, or with my family. Don't pretend you have some kind of connection here at all or that anybody could care to respond to your cries for help, I will not entertain a liar that feeds on attention. I honestly do wish the best for you, maybe you'll learn the consequences to the ruin of other peoples lives, perhaps you'll stop pretending to be blind to every single thing you've done. Whatever we had or was between us; I want you to break your bathroom mirror and then glue it back together, see it every morning, see the imperfections you've made, see the reality in it.
"just something raw.." - Ryan D.
Raw to your heart and soul, that's what this is, that's what it was, that's what the feelings were when they were displaced in certain positions that halted all feeling and preserved no remorse. I've been trying to write this so many times since it's occurrence, different ways, different passages, irritating paragraphs, as if I were constantly changing a map due to it's topography. I'm continually sweeping up the chaos each day from the aftermath of a girl: silly little thing as it may sound. A hit and run victim is what I am; a slow smooth Saturday night blitzed by a cold blind side, only to realize that just as it had happened the perpetrator disappears as a ghost with no fault or care.
I'll level with you, I am fucking broken.. Nobody and I certainly mean nobody could ever understand and comprehend the amount of destruction which was laid waste, time has no say in what heals but rather ability and skill. It's the tiny pieces in all honesty, the ones you've got to keep an eye out for when you're working on such a delicate project as to rebuilding your heart, controlling what surrounds you and what people can see but will never really understand. Struggling to place each and every piece back into it's faithful location, married to perfection, a fragile job, though these things are meant to be in order to push forward, push into a direction that matters more, not a direction backwards, not something of repetition but something so spontaneous.
In reality this could perhaps all amount to my own doing, I trusted someone that I should never have, I had placed them on a very high pedestal which they never deserved to begin with. Faults and blames could be passed around so much, though let's be sincerely honest, it all happened, there's nothing I can do to change anything, nothing I can do to repair the shattered mirror broken into pieces. Sadly though the fact remains, I see the fucking cracks, and they disgust me to the point of regurgitation, as if someone continuously pretends that they're not there, that they could hang this mirror in a very obvious and glamorous place.
She lied; honestly I can't determine the difference between her lies and her truths at this point. All I know are the falsities that she shits out, some how some way determined to fix the broken mirror. The lies weren't what hurt the most, but the simple fact that I took the fall for a truth fabricated by a silly little girl: though thank you, you've made me realize who my true friends are versus the ones of immaturity and lack of concern.
Which leaves me at this very personal and specific note to you if you're reading right now:
Don't call me, don't text me, don't leave voicemails crying that you "need a friend". Don't message from numbers that don't exist; regarding your "love" for my son and myself, don't think there's anything for you in my home, or with my friends, or with my family. Don't pretend you have some kind of connection here at all or that anybody could care to respond to your cries for help, I will not entertain a liar that feeds on attention. I honestly do wish the best for you, maybe you'll learn the consequences to the ruin of other peoples lives, perhaps you'll stop pretending to be blind to every single thing you've done. Whatever we had or was between us; I want you to break your bathroom mirror and then glue it back together, see it every morning, see the imperfections you've made, see the reality in it.
"just something raw.." - Ryan D.
20141110
be back in a minute..
Lack of material as of late, currently on vacation.
Happy Birthday Marines, Semper Fi..
-Ryan D.
Happy Birthday Marines, Semper Fi..
-Ryan D.
20141031
another excerpt from a dinner outside..
"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world." - Robin Williams
Sights and sounds; I can never get enough of it, people take vacations all the time but they never notice or realize the vacation right in front of them. My city is not big by any means, it's decently sized, and it's majestic and mysterious like a beautiful woman at the bar by herself. You notice her and when you finally muster the courage to talk to her she's more than you ever expected.
These lights they glow ever so bright, there's a sort of passion in it and it's a sweet bliss. Various sounds from people talking, walking, playing with their cell phones. The cars hum through the streets like bees at work, random subwoofers blow out but it's still so peaceful. A saxophone plays randomly and I'm awestruck by the melody.
These small things I can cherish so dearly, they matter just as much as things or great measure, like a compliment to a meal, icing on the cake, or something like a beautiful woman you can go home with. As I light another cigarette I sit and I just absorb it all, the peace, the passion, the bliss.
"Little things that can mean so much at times when things feel so hopeless. Like skating through the park." - Ryan D.
Sights and sounds; I can never get enough of it, people take vacations all the time but they never notice or realize the vacation right in front of them. My city is not big by any means, it's decently sized, and it's majestic and mysterious like a beautiful woman at the bar by herself. You notice her and when you finally muster the courage to talk to her she's more than you ever expected.
These lights they glow ever so bright, there's a sort of passion in it and it's a sweet bliss. Various sounds from people talking, walking, playing with their cell phones. The cars hum through the streets like bees at work, random subwoofers blow out but it's still so peaceful. A saxophone plays randomly and I'm awestruck by the melody.
These small things I can cherish so dearly, they matter just as much as things or great measure, like a compliment to a meal, icing on the cake, or something like a beautiful woman you can go home with. As I light another cigarette I sit and I just absorb it all, the peace, the passion, the bliss.
"Little things that can mean so much at times when things feel so hopeless. Like skating through the park." - Ryan D.
20141029
a writer and a painter..
"When writing a novel a writer should create living people; people not characters. A character is a caricature." - Ernest Hemingway
Blank; this paper seemingly starts blank, though as my fingers slowly reach the keyboard, I'm reminded of what I had come here to do, my mind slowly analyzes and combines the words to which I want to be heard, ideas slowly begin to spill like an overflowing cup, creativity is blessed within my soul, and I have written yet another ten pages. I've written about love, tragedy, lies, truth, hate, anger, suffering, and life. Each coinciding together, each close together yet each far apart, like siblings of a kind; each from the same mother, but each different and diverse in trait, in trade, in heart, and in soul.
A writer writes what she believes, what experiences she goes through, just as a painter sees what he perceives in front of him, what moments are frozen in their mind. We simply can't let it go, we have to take it and store it somewhere, store it safely where time can hold on to it and pass it down from mind to mind. We keep what makes us smile, what makes us laugh, even what makes us cry, our memories good or bad is our tools, our hammer and chisel.
"Influence comes from what happens in this life and the next." - Ryan D.
Blank; this paper seemingly starts blank, though as my fingers slowly reach the keyboard, I'm reminded of what I had come here to do, my mind slowly analyzes and combines the words to which I want to be heard, ideas slowly begin to spill like an overflowing cup, creativity is blessed within my soul, and I have written yet another ten pages. I've written about love, tragedy, lies, truth, hate, anger, suffering, and life. Each coinciding together, each close together yet each far apart, like siblings of a kind; each from the same mother, but each different and diverse in trait, in trade, in heart, and in soul.
A writer writes what she believes, what experiences she goes through, just as a painter sees what he perceives in front of him, what moments are frozen in their mind. We simply can't let it go, we have to take it and store it somewhere, store it safely where time can hold on to it and pass it down from mind to mind. We keep what makes us smile, what makes us laugh, even what makes us cry, our memories good or bad is our tools, our hammer and chisel.
"Influence comes from what happens in this life and the next." - Ryan D.
20141028
the sunlight burnt the bridge.
"We build too many walls and not enough bridges." - Isaac Newton
The sun rises on this very chill morning and I'm reminded of the warmth it brings. Another long night out and I've lit my last cigarette, it burns slowly and I think, "These things will be the death of me." The cliche of the quote but I could care less, I'm busy feeling the energy of the sun, the heat, and the light ever so blinding.
I am alone, but this very moment I'm not lonely or do I just refuse to see the truth. My eyes are bloodshot, they're as red as the devil himself, glazed by tears from a yawn, and I shudder for some reason, perhaps the cold refusing to leave my body, maybe it could be something as mysterious as a ghost passing me by.
Sometimes I take these long exhales and I wonder what I would have changed, what many things that have happened to me would I make different? I change it all in my mind and my primary concern being; what kind of person would I be now? Would I be less humble, more prideful, hateful, happy but in need for a real path.
One thing I do know, I think of all this and I realize I have no regrets, I understand and comprehend that all of the troubles I have ever come to and all the blessing which have crossed me have helped make me become who I am, to whether or not it's taken a toll on me or to whether or not I have lost close people to me, it could have gone less messy but this is life, and it's always a bizarre and disastrous storm, but it's these moments in the calm that shape us.
"Though many bridges have been burned I know I can still salvage wood, stone, and metal to create new ones to new destinations." - Ryan D.
Here's something to seize the day with..
The sun rises on this very chill morning and I'm reminded of the warmth it brings. Another long night out and I've lit my last cigarette, it burns slowly and I think, "These things will be the death of me." The cliche of the quote but I could care less, I'm busy feeling the energy of the sun, the heat, and the light ever so blinding.
I am alone, but this very moment I'm not lonely or do I just refuse to see the truth. My eyes are bloodshot, they're as red as the devil himself, glazed by tears from a yawn, and I shudder for some reason, perhaps the cold refusing to leave my body, maybe it could be something as mysterious as a ghost passing me by.
Sometimes I take these long exhales and I wonder what I would have changed, what many things that have happened to me would I make different? I change it all in my mind and my primary concern being; what kind of person would I be now? Would I be less humble, more prideful, hateful, happy but in need for a real path.
One thing I do know, I think of all this and I realize I have no regrets, I understand and comprehend that all of the troubles I have ever come to and all the blessing which have crossed me have helped make me become who I am, to whether or not it's taken a toll on me or to whether or not I have lost close people to me, it could have gone less messy but this is life, and it's always a bizarre and disastrous storm, but it's these moments in the calm that shape us.
"Though many bridges have been burned I know I can still salvage wood, stone, and metal to create new ones to new destinations." - Ryan D.
Here's something to seize the day with..
20141027
the girl with the broken heart..
"Women are made to be loved, not understood." - Oscar Wilde
How broken is she really? Deep inside? Who's scarred her so harshly that she covers up each and everyday with more make-up or cuter clothes? Picture the girl who pretends everything is alright, everything is fine; she carries herself with the facade of safety, the facade of a cheerleader, a hard hitting business owner, a mother of two, or a girlfriend who poses as strong and independent. So many gorgeous and beautiful women I've met, so many that I know and many of whom hide behind something. They're not all there and you can always pick out the truth, though once in awhile you're blinded by that smile.
You're not sure if it's real or fake at times, but the glow in her eyes tell the truth. Gentlemen I'm going to explain something to you; we are a hurtful species, we run around pounding our chest and conquering whatever we want, whatever shines in our eye. We take and take and never consider the possibility of, "perhaps it was too much." I have been there in my youth, I've been irresponsible in relationships in which I have always considered myself. Time moves forward however; and that woman you've found, that girl you made smile once, just seems to get up and leave, she won't put up with it, not with the hurt you've bestowed upon her.
As she smiles at me I stare in her eyes and I'm wondering what she's thinking of; whether or not I'm just another guy who's going to break her heart, destroy her emotions, treat her like her father or ex had so long ago: like she was worthless, a piece of meat perhaps, something to fuck maybe. I can never fathom the darkest reaches of a torn woman's mind, it's a deep hole which they choose to keep hidden from all, a hole covered up by veils and sheets.
I wish I could change so much about people I've met, and I don't mean change them specifically. I dare say that I wish I could play God and destroy all the bad things that have ever happened to so many close to me, but some how some way I would keep them the same. They wouldn't have any recollection of these horrific events, they would have peace. None of that probably didn't make any sense.. Honestly maybe at this point I'm just rambling..
"I wish I could save the world.. With anything to start just remember to treat her like you would lose her the next day. Treat her like tomorrow you would wake up next to nothing rather than something. Treat her Gentlemen the way a woman deserves to be treated. Chivalry does not have to be dead." - Ryan D.
How broken is she really? Deep inside? Who's scarred her so harshly that she covers up each and everyday with more make-up or cuter clothes? Picture the girl who pretends everything is alright, everything is fine; she carries herself with the facade of safety, the facade of a cheerleader, a hard hitting business owner, a mother of two, or a girlfriend who poses as strong and independent. So many gorgeous and beautiful women I've met, so many that I know and many of whom hide behind something. They're not all there and you can always pick out the truth, though once in awhile you're blinded by that smile.
You're not sure if it's real or fake at times, but the glow in her eyes tell the truth. Gentlemen I'm going to explain something to you; we are a hurtful species, we run around pounding our chest and conquering whatever we want, whatever shines in our eye. We take and take and never consider the possibility of, "perhaps it was too much." I have been there in my youth, I've been irresponsible in relationships in which I have always considered myself. Time moves forward however; and that woman you've found, that girl you made smile once, just seems to get up and leave, she won't put up with it, not with the hurt you've bestowed upon her.
As she smiles at me I stare in her eyes and I'm wondering what she's thinking of; whether or not I'm just another guy who's going to break her heart, destroy her emotions, treat her like her father or ex had so long ago: like she was worthless, a piece of meat perhaps, something to fuck maybe. I can never fathom the darkest reaches of a torn woman's mind, it's a deep hole which they choose to keep hidden from all, a hole covered up by veils and sheets.
I wish I could change so much about people I've met, and I don't mean change them specifically. I dare say that I wish I could play God and destroy all the bad things that have ever happened to so many close to me, but some how some way I would keep them the same. They wouldn't have any recollection of these horrific events, they would have peace. None of that probably didn't make any sense.. Honestly maybe at this point I'm just rambling..
"I wish I could save the world.. With anything to start just remember to treat her like you would lose her the next day. Treat her like tomorrow you would wake up next to nothing rather than something. Treat her Gentlemen the way a woman deserves to be treated. Chivalry does not have to be dead." - Ryan D.
20141026
cigarettes exhuast and air..
driving..
Five Twenty Five in the morning and the engine is roaring, my foot is on the pedal and I'm doing roughly eighty miles an hour, my left hand holding a lit cigarette and the wheel at the same time as my right holds on to the stick. The lights are dim on the interstate, the darkness is ever so tiring, I'm breathing in smoke, cold fall air and exhaust all at once. I move my right hand to grab my cup of coffee, and I drink the bitter sweet concoction of caffeinated bliss as my mind wanders slowly and surely from the concentration of driving to thoughts of my imagination, my dreams, my memories, my future, my past, my son, my family, my friends.. I am everywhere but at the same time I am still on this long black top stretch.
My mind racing through different ideas, different concepts. Just trying to figure out answers to questions, crossing my I's and dotting my T's per say. Randomly; I'm wondering if I should stop by to get gas, if whether or not I have the time and energy this early in the morning. Cars slowly start to appear on the road and I pass them, they appear to me like card board cut-outs or something from an old 1960's chase scene where the car is really at a stand still but my background is continuously moving. I am Steve McQueen in the film Bullitt, I am reckless and I am at ninety five miles an hour now.
To what do I owe this recklessness to, nothing but perhaps a daring thrill, I'm slowly creeping to one hundred and five, and I am still in a space in my mind where time has paused for me and I have taken this time to analyze and reorganize the folders within my mind, archiving memories and dreams. My exit comes up and I finally release the pedal, the motor roars ever so gently as my speed retracts, I'm once again concentrated on the here and now, which turn I must take and which light I must stop and go at..
"Unconsciously maybe I'm running from something, anything, everything.. I'm running from what hurts." - Ryan D.
Five Twenty Five in the morning and the engine is roaring, my foot is on the pedal and I'm doing roughly eighty miles an hour, my left hand holding a lit cigarette and the wheel at the same time as my right holds on to the stick. The lights are dim on the interstate, the darkness is ever so tiring, I'm breathing in smoke, cold fall air and exhaust all at once. I move my right hand to grab my cup of coffee, and I drink the bitter sweet concoction of caffeinated bliss as my mind wanders slowly and surely from the concentration of driving to thoughts of my imagination, my dreams, my memories, my future, my past, my son, my family, my friends.. I am everywhere but at the same time I am still on this long black top stretch.
My mind racing through different ideas, different concepts. Just trying to figure out answers to questions, crossing my I's and dotting my T's per say. Randomly; I'm wondering if I should stop by to get gas, if whether or not I have the time and energy this early in the morning. Cars slowly start to appear on the road and I pass them, they appear to me like card board cut-outs or something from an old 1960's chase scene where the car is really at a stand still but my background is continuously moving. I am Steve McQueen in the film Bullitt, I am reckless and I am at ninety five miles an hour now.
To what do I owe this recklessness to, nothing but perhaps a daring thrill, I'm slowly creeping to one hundred and five, and I am still in a space in my mind where time has paused for me and I have taken this time to analyze and reorganize the folders within my mind, archiving memories and dreams. My exit comes up and I finally release the pedal, the motor roars ever so gently as my speed retracts, I'm once again concentrated on the here and now, which turn I must take and which light I must stop and go at..
"Unconsciously maybe I'm running from something, anything, everything.. I'm running from what hurts." - Ryan D.
20141025
can we pretend..
"The airplane stays up because it doesn't have the time to fall." - Orville Wright
Airport nights; picked up a cup of coffee from Starbucks and I've wandered through the terminals. Here I am empathizing with the feelings of people coming and going, this has always been my place, a sanctuary of mine, just another place to clear my head and find more of what to write.
I sit here and I analyze the beautiful couples of youth and old age; "Where are they going?" "Where are they coming from?" The obvious facts of masculinity: as the men help their ladies carry their luggage, all while the women help navigate through the crowd. Smiles are all around as children rampantly run through the areas, they're all both excited and tired at the same time, wondering what adventure awaits them.
There's an area at ORF where you can actually park your car and just watch the planes take off, you'll be sharing this small parking lot with one trash can and whatever other stranger decides to show, perhaps someone just as alone as you are or perhaps a couple rampant on finding a secret but public place to fuck. It's a simple view of magnificence, nothing special honestly, just the simplicity of watching a roaring 747 launch up in the air.
Secretly I do pretend just like the song itself "airplanes". I make secret wishes on each plane flying as I sit on my hood, all are wishes of something bigger, something better, something for my mother, something for my father, something for my son, and once in a while, there's something for me along the way.
I tend to cling on to miracles, on to things that I logically know can never happen, but there's something about a miracle that allures me, they keep my sanity in check, some way, I make all these wishes and all these prayers unknowing which one could or would happen first.
"Oh how I wish upon a star." - Ryan D.
Airport nights; picked up a cup of coffee from Starbucks and I've wandered through the terminals. Here I am empathizing with the feelings of people coming and going, this has always been my place, a sanctuary of mine, just another place to clear my head and find more of what to write.
I sit here and I analyze the beautiful couples of youth and old age; "Where are they going?" "Where are they coming from?" The obvious facts of masculinity: as the men help their ladies carry their luggage, all while the women help navigate through the crowd. Smiles are all around as children rampantly run through the areas, they're all both excited and tired at the same time, wondering what adventure awaits them.
There's an area at ORF where you can actually park your car and just watch the planes take off, you'll be sharing this small parking lot with one trash can and whatever other stranger decides to show, perhaps someone just as alone as you are or perhaps a couple rampant on finding a secret but public place to fuck. It's a simple view of magnificence, nothing special honestly, just the simplicity of watching a roaring 747 launch up in the air.
Secretly I do pretend just like the song itself "airplanes". I make secret wishes on each plane flying as I sit on my hood, all are wishes of something bigger, something better, something for my mother, something for my father, something for my son, and once in a while, there's something for me along the way.
I tend to cling on to miracles, on to things that I logically know can never happen, but there's something about a miracle that allures me, they keep my sanity in check, some way, I make all these wishes and all these prayers unknowing which one could or would happen first.
"Oh how I wish upon a star." - Ryan D.
20141024
last bit of roach to smoke...
Friday night and Ghent is busy, the Street is packed with families and children's happiness. As couples walk by I think does she even really love him. I'm intrigued by all the people wearing costumes; they're all so vivid in imagination, many of the adults have created their own, artist in their own sense. The joy the season of Halloween seems to bring; people with their dogs roaming around, children at play on the part of the street which is blocked off. I am a witness; to the happiness of people. Photographers take pictures finding their perfect masterpiece, while writers like myself eat our burritos from Chipotle as we absorb the environment. Reapers, magicians, and clowns move through the crowded street. It's time for me to go home and smile.
"Smiles all around and joy to be had." - Ryan D.
"Smiles all around and joy to be had." - Ryan D.
Oktober
"All things on earth point home in old October; sailors to sea, travelers to walls and fences, hunters to field and hollow and the long voice of the hounds, the lover to the love he has forsaken." - Thomas Wolfe
I love October; perhaps just as much as I can say that I love winter. I love the feel of the weather not too extreme, not just yet. I love the leaves falling, the taste of the air, the slow and steady time change. October has been upon us and perhaps I am a bit late to actually come out and say all this, it's possible that the reminder was set in motion after drinking some Oktoberfest beer of any brand. Though this month stands out to me, it's like a silver coin left in a pile of gold, the true needle in the haystack.
Funny that I should mention any of this at so late of a time. I want pie; something sweet and savory, perhaps apple or cherry, perhaps something home made: always the best. I want fall beers stocked in my fridge as I lay watching reruns of "The Adams Family" with my son.
It's strange but this month has never meant so much to me until recent, or rather I may just be appreciating my time more; my days, my months, my years. In the wake of my own destruction, I've discovered a strange amount of my living that I had never realized. As curious as it seems I continue to maintain, I move forward just like the seasons ever changing. Ever so romantic..
Romantic because that's something every gentleman should strive to be. Though not in the strange and intrepid classical sense of sweeping someone off their feet but something of mystery; like a handsome young man at the bar, confined by his confidence and talented in heart and soul, he sits and doesn't bother anyone, though everyone continuously wonders about him, about his past, present, and future.
"Ziggy zaggy ziggy zaggy oi oi oi!" - Ryan D.
I love October; perhaps just as much as I can say that I love winter. I love the feel of the weather not too extreme, not just yet. I love the leaves falling, the taste of the air, the slow and steady time change. October has been upon us and perhaps I am a bit late to actually come out and say all this, it's possible that the reminder was set in motion after drinking some Oktoberfest beer of any brand. Though this month stands out to me, it's like a silver coin left in a pile of gold, the true needle in the haystack.
Funny that I should mention any of this at so late of a time. I want pie; something sweet and savory, perhaps apple or cherry, perhaps something home made: always the best. I want fall beers stocked in my fridge as I lay watching reruns of "The Adams Family" with my son.
It's strange but this month has never meant so much to me until recent, or rather I may just be appreciating my time more; my days, my months, my years. In the wake of my own destruction, I've discovered a strange amount of my living that I had never realized. As curious as it seems I continue to maintain, I move forward just like the seasons ever changing. Ever so romantic..
Romantic because that's something every gentleman should strive to be. Though not in the strange and intrepid classical sense of sweeping someone off their feet but something of mystery; like a handsome young man at the bar, confined by his confidence and talented in heart and soul, he sits and doesn't bother anyone, though everyone continuously wonders about him, about his past, present, and future.
"Ziggy zaggy ziggy zaggy oi oi oi!" - Ryan D.
20141022
sacrificing wounded animals to leeches
"I guess that’s just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up." - Lauren Oliver
Why do we do it? What's the point? Is it care that compels us, to push us to even give a fuck? We sacrifice what we love; our desires, our hopes, our dreams, what matters and what we want, for others continuously. Does this make us a better person that we choose to be persecuted a certain way, that we choose to yield for others in order for them to advance.
I find it disturbing the sacrifices we make for people who could care less of us, what matters to them most is not what we give up but what they gain. Greed grasp its petty hands through so much good in this world that, so many people will see the sight of sacrifice and take advantage of it like a wounded animal. A disgusting sight to see as they press slowly but surely on another, feeding perhaps lies or half truths in order for you to sacrifice more of your time and energy for them. Like a leech feeding in your sleep, you don't see it happening, but slowly and surely you're feeling fatigued and restless.
Though belief in your sacrifices strengthens your cause, perhaps it may seem worthless, or perhaps our sacrifices left in vain in some sense. What does it matter when all hope is lost right? Hope; man's greatest strength and weakness. Remember though, it is our greatest strength. To some resolve and in some mysterious way, our hope powers our sacrifices, what we give up is never truly left in vain, something is always brought out of it, as if a sacrifice were planting some sort of seed through a storm and then suddenly at the final calm it has birthed some kind of spectacular flower, something to be proud of, something noteworthy of the sacrifices made.
"Circles my friend but have you finally figured out my circles?" - Ryan D.
I apologize if this video absolutely has nothing to do with anything I'm saying, and I apologize for the mystique and stupidity and hypocrisy in my writing today.. . Maybe we'll hit it tomorrow.
Why do we do it? What's the point? Is it care that compels us, to push us to even give a fuck? We sacrifice what we love; our desires, our hopes, our dreams, what matters and what we want, for others continuously. Does this make us a better person that we choose to be persecuted a certain way, that we choose to yield for others in order for them to advance.
I find it disturbing the sacrifices we make for people who could care less of us, what matters to them most is not what we give up but what they gain. Greed grasp its petty hands through so much good in this world that, so many people will see the sight of sacrifice and take advantage of it like a wounded animal. A disgusting sight to see as they press slowly but surely on another, feeding perhaps lies or half truths in order for you to sacrifice more of your time and energy for them. Like a leech feeding in your sleep, you don't see it happening, but slowly and surely you're feeling fatigued and restless.
Though belief in your sacrifices strengthens your cause, perhaps it may seem worthless, or perhaps our sacrifices left in vain in some sense. What does it matter when all hope is lost right? Hope; man's greatest strength and weakness. Remember though, it is our greatest strength. To some resolve and in some mysterious way, our hope powers our sacrifices, what we give up is never truly left in vain, something is always brought out of it, as if a sacrifice were planting some sort of seed through a storm and then suddenly at the final calm it has birthed some kind of spectacular flower, something to be proud of, something noteworthy of the sacrifices made.
"Circles my friend but have you finally figured out my circles?" - Ryan D.
I apologize if this video absolutely has nothing to do with anything I'm saying, and I apologize for the mystique and stupidity and hypocrisy in my writing today.. . Maybe we'll hit it tomorrow.
thinking about memories in paris..
"You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories." - Stanislaw Jerzy Lec
Slightly intoxicated and possibly rambling.. I continually stumble upon the thoughts of remembrance; memories so beautiful but which are gone from me, from my heart. It's late night and I'm overlooking my entire neighborhood from my roof, the wind creating a bone cold sense within my body as the liquor ingested warms from my insides out. A neighborhood; the suburban houses almost alike apart from their individual styles from their owners, the randomly dimmed or bright street lights placed ever so often, the cars parked, and the peacefulness of nothing. Above; I have what few stars I'm able to pick out, what random constellations which choose to appear, and the moon: ever so bright and ever so ravishing.
One of the many places that I can disappear to in order to feel again, feel what a simple heart beat had felt like, what warmth there was in me. Funny I should mention warmth when perhaps it's nothing but the scotch keeping me buzzed. My closest friends would tell me; that these memories are like a cancer, they're insufficient, things which I should forget, things which matter not anymore, and true they are in every word, every sense.. Though let's face it, perhaps I'm a bit stubborn, perhaps I'm just too ignorant to face the truth, or perhaps these memories had just meant something so dear to me, as if opening an old box of letters from a loved one, rereading times of before.
Trust me; I'm not trying to press the pause button in memories that will never happen again, I know where I stand, I know where I'm moving, I know my true North. Sometimes it's just nice to find peace in a simple memory, like cutting pictures out and placing them in a collage; my own personal collage I like to think, just something intimate for me and no one else, to remind me, remind me that I'm still human.
"nothing but memories; just something to look at like a painting of Paris." - Ryan D.
Slightly intoxicated and possibly rambling.. I continually stumble upon the thoughts of remembrance; memories so beautiful but which are gone from me, from my heart. It's late night and I'm overlooking my entire neighborhood from my roof, the wind creating a bone cold sense within my body as the liquor ingested warms from my insides out. A neighborhood; the suburban houses almost alike apart from their individual styles from their owners, the randomly dimmed or bright street lights placed ever so often, the cars parked, and the peacefulness of nothing. Above; I have what few stars I'm able to pick out, what random constellations which choose to appear, and the moon: ever so bright and ever so ravishing.
One of the many places that I can disappear to in order to feel again, feel what a simple heart beat had felt like, what warmth there was in me. Funny I should mention warmth when perhaps it's nothing but the scotch keeping me buzzed. My closest friends would tell me; that these memories are like a cancer, they're insufficient, things which I should forget, things which matter not anymore, and true they are in every word, every sense.. Though let's face it, perhaps I'm a bit stubborn, perhaps I'm just too ignorant to face the truth, or perhaps these memories had just meant something so dear to me, as if opening an old box of letters from a loved one, rereading times of before.
Trust me; I'm not trying to press the pause button in memories that will never happen again, I know where I stand, I know where I'm moving, I know my true North. Sometimes it's just nice to find peace in a simple memory, like cutting pictures out and placing them in a collage; my own personal collage I like to think, just something intimate for me and no one else, to remind me, remind me that I'm still human.
"nothing but memories; just something to look at like a painting of Paris." - Ryan D.
shooting the deputy and judge down..
"Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m not perfect and I don’t live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean." - Bob Marley
There was a time where I use to see my own peers; these were kids from high school and all, either working at some convenient store, or waiting tables at some restaurant. I would always look at them thinking, damn what happened to their lives, where did the time go? Five or six years out of high school and most of them are still working some dead end shit job trying to get by. Though I wouldn't know the real reasons, I only knew what it felt like to be on my own high horse, making the money that I so desired to make, the facade of being out almost every night while everyone else was trying to stay home and "save" money.
I would never approach any of them or ask why they were still in that sort of position, what they were about in their lives, things of that nature. Nor did I ever give a shit really and truly, I had been guilty of assuming the negative and never acknowledging the positive. Always thinking I was better because I wasn't working at the local 7-11 or putting boxes up at Farm Fresh or even sweeping the floor at Target, I never actually analyzed why they were there to begin with. Coming out of high school; I joined the Marine Corps Reserve and during; I had many failed attempts at college, always doing well to a point but always giving up and skipping class eventually, I would jump from job to job until I finally landed my current. A well paying benefit afforded 12 hour a day job. A job I at the time had treasured though now I secretly despise.
I thought I was on top of the world, I thought the money in my pocket would make me feel better, make me feel more successful, make me feel I had the advantage amongst others. Seeing old classmates only made my ego grow more, the comparison of where I was vs where they were. Though I never actually took the time to really look at things in a honest sense. Many of these old classmates were probably just picking up a job to help advance themselves through grad school, and many of them I knew had already finished college unlike myself and had had their bachelors degree in whatever they had wanted it to be. Many of them were living for themselves and not for the dollar, they had not forgotten who they were along the way of growth.
Strange that when I finally came to terms with all this I honestly found how not so high up I was, I came to the conclusion that, I'm not happy where I'm at in my career path, that I'm taken away from family and friends, my most precious loved ones, just for the all mighty dollar. Bitter and angry I was with myself; though I knew these were my decisions that were made, these were my own life choice. Happily it hasn't been too late just yet, I can still turn it all around and find what deep down in my heart is what I'd like to live for, what I'd like and love to do with my life.
The impression of judging; being the one with the gavel and hammering down all who you see. Possibly a double edge knife, you get satisfaction in believing what you want but at the same time the truth spurs out and you're cut and wounded.
I judge a lot, I only know the lies that I make up in my own mind about others, but when I finally learn the truth.. I honestly feel like an asshole.
"don't judge a book by it's cover.. mom use to say. i'm sure yours did also.." - Ryan D.
There was a time where I use to see my own peers; these were kids from high school and all, either working at some convenient store, or waiting tables at some restaurant. I would always look at them thinking, damn what happened to their lives, where did the time go? Five or six years out of high school and most of them are still working some dead end shit job trying to get by. Though I wouldn't know the real reasons, I only knew what it felt like to be on my own high horse, making the money that I so desired to make, the facade of being out almost every night while everyone else was trying to stay home and "save" money.
I would never approach any of them or ask why they were still in that sort of position, what they were about in their lives, things of that nature. Nor did I ever give a shit really and truly, I had been guilty of assuming the negative and never acknowledging the positive. Always thinking I was better because I wasn't working at the local 7-11 or putting boxes up at Farm Fresh or even sweeping the floor at Target, I never actually analyzed why they were there to begin with. Coming out of high school; I joined the Marine Corps Reserve and during; I had many failed attempts at college, always doing well to a point but always giving up and skipping class eventually, I would jump from job to job until I finally landed my current. A well paying benefit afforded 12 hour a day job. A job I at the time had treasured though now I secretly despise.
I thought I was on top of the world, I thought the money in my pocket would make me feel better, make me feel more successful, make me feel I had the advantage amongst others. Seeing old classmates only made my ego grow more, the comparison of where I was vs where they were. Though I never actually took the time to really look at things in a honest sense. Many of these old classmates were probably just picking up a job to help advance themselves through grad school, and many of them I knew had already finished college unlike myself and had had their bachelors degree in whatever they had wanted it to be. Many of them were living for themselves and not for the dollar, they had not forgotten who they were along the way of growth.
Strange that when I finally came to terms with all this I honestly found how not so high up I was, I came to the conclusion that, I'm not happy where I'm at in my career path, that I'm taken away from family and friends, my most precious loved ones, just for the all mighty dollar. Bitter and angry I was with myself; though I knew these were my decisions that were made, these were my own life choice. Happily it hasn't been too late just yet, I can still turn it all around and find what deep down in my heart is what I'd like to live for, what I'd like and love to do with my life.
The impression of judging; being the one with the gavel and hammering down all who you see. Possibly a double edge knife, you get satisfaction in believing what you want but at the same time the truth spurs out and you're cut and wounded.
I judge a lot, I only know the lies that I make up in my own mind about others, but when I finally learn the truth.. I honestly feel like an asshole.
"don't judge a book by it's cover.. mom use to say. i'm sure yours did also.." - Ryan D.
drinking to trust like sweet nothings
Another night, another drink, and a casual conversation with a close friend as we analyze mistakes perhaps, our rough and uncivil moments; those which break us pass a limit, those which have made grown men cry, those which force us to rebuild almost each and every aspect of what we feel. Through out this night something so simple as trust came to mind; a sentence of a particular habit which I seem to ignore at times.. Giving my trust away.
"Trust is not given, it's earned, you were just so blinded by everything that you gave your trust and heart away." - A Close Friend
Honestly, I am indeed guilty of this on many occasions, perhaps even so far as elementary school. I recall bringing a valued possession in for show and tell, and leaving it around on my desk, trusting and perhaps a little naive, I had returned only to see it stolen completely.
I'm not sure what it has always been with me; from things of materialistic value to even my own heart. Funny how circumstances are always different; brunette with honestly gorgeous green eyes, beautiful curves, soft skin, and that perfect smile. That smile... Unfortunately it always seems to get me and the most entertaining part would be me passing off my trust as if I were quarterbacking to a super bowl touch down. Damsels in distress; preying like lions on a gazelle awaiting to feast, and I'm that gazelle because it's taken so much for me to understand and realize that others should be working for my trust just as I work for theirs.
What can I say though, I've never been much of a hopeless romantic in situations of sort, but more of a "helpless" one. Though with lessons learned, I keep my guard up, my armor, even when they strip it all away and I'm left nude and ashamed. I doubt another person will be able to get in, not this time, not for awhile.
"sweet loving, sweet nothing, sweet like the taste of a cherry tree, though I'm so blinded by the taste to understand the tree was rotting.." - Ryan D.
"Trust is not given, it's earned, you were just so blinded by everything that you gave your trust and heart away." - A Close Friend
Honestly, I am indeed guilty of this on many occasions, perhaps even so far as elementary school. I recall bringing a valued possession in for show and tell, and leaving it around on my desk, trusting and perhaps a little naive, I had returned only to see it stolen completely.
I'm not sure what it has always been with me; from things of materialistic value to even my own heart. Funny how circumstances are always different; brunette with honestly gorgeous green eyes, beautiful curves, soft skin, and that perfect smile. That smile... Unfortunately it always seems to get me and the most entertaining part would be me passing off my trust as if I were quarterbacking to a super bowl touch down. Damsels in distress; preying like lions on a gazelle awaiting to feast, and I'm that gazelle because it's taken so much for me to understand and realize that others should be working for my trust just as I work for theirs.
What can I say though, I've never been much of a hopeless romantic in situations of sort, but more of a "helpless" one. Though with lessons learned, I keep my guard up, my armor, even when they strip it all away and I'm left nude and ashamed. I doubt another person will be able to get in, not this time, not for awhile.
"sweet loving, sweet nothing, sweet like the taste of a cherry tree, though I'm so blinded by the taste to understand the tree was rotting.." - Ryan D.
20141021
fellatio moments while in harlem
"Life isn't a matter of milestones, but of moments." - Rose Kennedy
Those sneaky moments when you're a teenager; sixteen, you've just got done with the extravagant activity of female fellatio on a girl you're in a sense technically pseudo dating, it's the right moment, wrong time, and hell of a wrong place. Her home, 4 o clock after school and both of you have just heard the door casually open. "Shit my dad's home." Quickly she's putting her clothes back on as you're trying to find your shirt, book bag and maybe your shoes. You hear the footsteps slowly making it's way to her bed room as the voice of a burly fit man speaks "Sweetie I'm home, how was school?" She's struggling yelling back, "It was alright.." Her voice transfers into the classic "Womp womp womp womp." As you're trying to make it pass the mesh screen of your window. Bumps, bruises, and a yelp all happen as you fall from the second floor into a bush, followed by the classic "Who the hell is that?!?!" and "Where's my gun?!"
Those hilarious moments of bad timing that you can just look back on; you're with close friends, a bottle of scotch, shot glasses, half empty beer bottles, and whatever popular music plays in whatever era you're in. Laughs all around as you explain how as you picked yourself up out of the bush you realized half a branch was piercing through your lower abdomen. Another couple shots are taken and the conversation continues to even deeper moments of explanation of bad timing.
Feelings of closeness, feelings of being "right", just those simple times when I'm in the right moment, though I've never had my timing set. From something as simple as speeding; my adrenaline pulsing, the blur of the road becomes nothing, I'm free in that moment until I see the lights and sirens behind me. Or even falling in love with someone; things are hot and heavy but it turns out perhaps she's married, or she's moving to a distance within the short period of time that there's the illusion of hope for something more, but there really isn't. All in all living in that moment has almost always caused me some sort of consequence. Though what builds us really? What am I able to tell at the end of the day at a table with friends? Truth be told, it's these moments that make our dull lives just all a little more interesting. Like an artist creating something out of clay; his art is never truly his without it's own imperfections, just as our lives are equal to that metaphor. Our imperfections in these moments that we live are what defines us, they're our signature in all truth. They're what people remember at the end of the day, they're who they remember of us truly, our inner personality, our imperfections.
"share a drink, stain the glasses, share your laughs, but at the most share your moments." - Ryan D.
Those sneaky moments when you're a teenager; sixteen, you've just got done with the extravagant activity of female fellatio on a girl you're in a sense technically pseudo dating, it's the right moment, wrong time, and hell of a wrong place. Her home, 4 o clock after school and both of you have just heard the door casually open. "Shit my dad's home." Quickly she's putting her clothes back on as you're trying to find your shirt, book bag and maybe your shoes. You hear the footsteps slowly making it's way to her bed room as the voice of a burly fit man speaks "Sweetie I'm home, how was school?" She's struggling yelling back, "It was alright.." Her voice transfers into the classic "Womp womp womp womp." As you're trying to make it pass the mesh screen of your window. Bumps, bruises, and a yelp all happen as you fall from the second floor into a bush, followed by the classic "Who the hell is that?!?!" and "Where's my gun?!"
Those hilarious moments of bad timing that you can just look back on; you're with close friends, a bottle of scotch, shot glasses, half empty beer bottles, and whatever popular music plays in whatever era you're in. Laughs all around as you explain how as you picked yourself up out of the bush you realized half a branch was piercing through your lower abdomen. Another couple shots are taken and the conversation continues to even deeper moments of explanation of bad timing.
Feelings of closeness, feelings of being "right", just those simple times when I'm in the right moment, though I've never had my timing set. From something as simple as speeding; my adrenaline pulsing, the blur of the road becomes nothing, I'm free in that moment until I see the lights and sirens behind me. Or even falling in love with someone; things are hot and heavy but it turns out perhaps she's married, or she's moving to a distance within the short period of time that there's the illusion of hope for something more, but there really isn't. All in all living in that moment has almost always caused me some sort of consequence. Though what builds us really? What am I able to tell at the end of the day at a table with friends? Truth be told, it's these moments that make our dull lives just all a little more interesting. Like an artist creating something out of clay; his art is never truly his without it's own imperfections, just as our lives are equal to that metaphor. Our imperfections in these moments that we live are what defines us, they're our signature in all truth. They're what people remember at the end of the day, they're who they remember of us truly, our inner personality, our imperfections.
"share a drink, stain the glasses, share your laughs, but at the most share your moments." - Ryan D.
20141020
WE ARE TOGETHER!
"you should be kissed and often and by someone who knows how." - Rhett Butler (Gone With The Wind)
Do you remember the first time you ever fell in love? The first time you met him or her? That first time you met that person that made everything seem so little and petty, that made you feel the world around you? Do you remember the first touch, simply holding their hand, feeling so innocent, that feeling that you felt that made you feel so special, that made you feel like you found your other half? Your puzzle piece, your perfect fit?
It was special; holding their hand interlocking fingers, walking though public places pretty much announcing "WE ARE TOGETHER!"
Now do you remember you first kiss? Try to remember it, try to remember how everything felt, try to relive that feeling. That moment when your faces were so close together, when your eyes had locked, when you realized that this is that moment, that this is that time, that there was no turning back, there was only the discovery of a kiss. Slow, smooth, warm, wet, mesmerizing, unique, vicious, loving, ravishing. You saw everything in that moment, you saw your past, present, what could have or maybe perhaps is now your future. As if a kiss were some kind of opening/baptism to a world that you had never known, a world you would have never seen without your partner.
I'm only saying this; try and hold on to these moments, whether or not you're with or without that person, hold on to them. Hold on to those memories, never forget what started you, what broke or made your heart. Remember what those feelings were, remember what it made you feel like, remember all the pain disappearing, all the hate dissipating, all your worries fading, all your troubles dying. Remember that feeling of love, that feeling of freedom, that feeling of romance, that feeling of.. bliss.
"Remember." - Ryan D.
Do you remember the first time you ever fell in love? The first time you met him or her? That first time you met that person that made everything seem so little and petty, that made you feel the world around you? Do you remember the first touch, simply holding their hand, feeling so innocent, that feeling that you felt that made you feel so special, that made you feel like you found your other half? Your puzzle piece, your perfect fit?
It was special; holding their hand interlocking fingers, walking though public places pretty much announcing "WE ARE TOGETHER!"
Now do you remember you first kiss? Try to remember it, try to remember how everything felt, try to relive that feeling. That moment when your faces were so close together, when your eyes had locked, when you realized that this is that moment, that this is that time, that there was no turning back, there was only the discovery of a kiss. Slow, smooth, warm, wet, mesmerizing, unique, vicious, loving, ravishing. You saw everything in that moment, you saw your past, present, what could have or maybe perhaps is now your future. As if a kiss were some kind of opening/baptism to a world that you had never known, a world you would have never seen without your partner.
I'm only saying this; try and hold on to these moments, whether or not you're with or without that person, hold on to them. Hold on to those memories, never forget what started you, what broke or made your heart. Remember what those feelings were, remember what it made you feel like, remember all the pain disappearing, all the hate dissipating, all your worries fading, all your troubles dying. Remember that feeling of love, that feeling of freedom, that feeling of romance, that feeling of.. bliss.
"Remember." - Ryan D.
20141019
little things
"Maybe that's the lesson for me today, to hold onto these simple moments - appreciate them a little more, there's not many of them left. I don't ever want that for you, finding things that make you happy shouldn't be so hard. I know you'll face pain, suffering, hard choices but you can't let the weight of it choke the joy out of your life. No matter what, you have to find the things that love you. Run to them. There's an old saying - that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I don't believe that. I think the things that try to kill you make you angry and sad. Strength comes from the good things, your family, your friends, the satisfaction of hard work. Those are the things that will keep you whole, those are the things to hold onto when you're broken." - Jackson 'Jax' Teller (Sons of Anarchy)
A short monologue to start with, just something to set the tone. Season 5, episode 1: Jax is explaining a detailed long run and how the simple moments of the ride are appreciated just a little more than usual. I find that as he explains more in detail about how he wishes his sons to never have that issue, the striking "old saying" appears: that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Teller is right; it is indeed true that things that try to kill you do make you angry and sad.
You're constantly wondering and struggling with the unsuccessful question of "Why?" "Why me?" "Why now?"
I agree with him, in truth, whatever demons you face, whatever struggles that try and control you, whatever pains that stress you, they don't make you stronger after you've conquered them, they only make you delve into more and more hatred and despair. Cling to what you love; strength does come from good things, never bad, strength comes from your son or daughters eyes, strength comes from your mothers voice, a friends listening ear, strength comes from the satisfaction of completing something, of doing better.
I've had a severe rough patch as of late and though I have slowly become numb to everything, I am realizing where my true strength is coming from. It's coming from the love and care of those around me, it's coming from what keeps me moving, what keeps my head straight; my son. It's coming from these writings, so simple yet so real.
"you can try and break me down all you want, but i will always have the advantage." - Ryan D.
"Accept whatever befalls you, in crushing misfortune be patient; For in fire gold is tested, and worthy men in the crucible of humiliation." - Sirach 2:4-5
A short monologue to start with, just something to set the tone. Season 5, episode 1: Jax is explaining a detailed long run and how the simple moments of the ride are appreciated just a little more than usual. I find that as he explains more in detail about how he wishes his sons to never have that issue, the striking "old saying" appears: that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Teller is right; it is indeed true that things that try to kill you do make you angry and sad.
You're constantly wondering and struggling with the unsuccessful question of "Why?" "Why me?" "Why now?"
I agree with him, in truth, whatever demons you face, whatever struggles that try and control you, whatever pains that stress you, they don't make you stronger after you've conquered them, they only make you delve into more and more hatred and despair. Cling to what you love; strength does come from good things, never bad, strength comes from your son or daughters eyes, strength comes from your mothers voice, a friends listening ear, strength comes from the satisfaction of completing something, of doing better.
I've had a severe rough patch as of late and though I have slowly become numb to everything, I am realizing where my true strength is coming from. It's coming from the love and care of those around me, it's coming from what keeps me moving, what keeps my head straight; my son. It's coming from these writings, so simple yet so real.
"you can try and break me down all you want, but i will always have the advantage." - Ryan D.
"Accept whatever befalls you, in crushing misfortune be patient; For in fire gold is tested, and worthy men in the crucible of humiliation." - Sirach 2:4-5
love and peace
"Harmony makes small things grow, lack of it makes great things decay." - Sallust
There are days when I feel like writing and then there are days where I wonder what I’m writing for? I am currently thinking of the early morning moment when I’m driving home from work after a twelve hour escapade of a night shift. It’s a Saturday morning on this occasion and traffic is to a minimal on the interstate, the best part is that it’s roughly seven o clock and I’m closing in on to the tunnel, I’ve got this great view as I’m entering the City of Norfolk via the Mid-Town Tunnel, it strikes me every morning and reminds me of the simplicity of hope.
There’s the sun slowly rising; as it strikes every mirrored frame from windows of buildings and to the calm water surrounding me. The buildings they stand so tall and gracious their magnificence in continuous motion. I can see all the ships in the water and the ships in the yard, slow and stagnant.
Horrible description I know, but if I could offer you a ride each morning with me home I would and my words would not need to do any justice, it’s something about this view the brings peace to me, like walking through a park as the leaves of fall scatter, or that first moment you look into the eyes of your new born and wonder.
In that very moment I am at peace, even if the moment only last for less than a split second..
"What am I writing for?" - Ryan D.
There are days when I feel like writing and then there are days where I wonder what I’m writing for? I am currently thinking of the early morning moment when I’m driving home from work after a twelve hour escapade of a night shift. It’s a Saturday morning on this occasion and traffic is to a minimal on the interstate, the best part is that it’s roughly seven o clock and I’m closing in on to the tunnel, I’ve got this great view as I’m entering the City of Norfolk via the Mid-Town Tunnel, it strikes me every morning and reminds me of the simplicity of hope.
There’s the sun slowly rising; as it strikes every mirrored frame from windows of buildings and to the calm water surrounding me. The buildings they stand so tall and gracious their magnificence in continuous motion. I can see all the ships in the water and the ships in the yard, slow and stagnant.
Horrible description I know, but if I could offer you a ride each morning with me home I would and my words would not need to do any justice, it’s something about this view the brings peace to me, like walking through a park as the leaves of fall scatter, or that first moment you look into the eyes of your new born and wonder.
In that very moment I am at peace, even if the moment only last for less than a split second..
"What am I writing for?" - Ryan D.
20141017
liar liar
"A single lie destroys a whole reputation of integrity." - Baltasar Gracian
We write in order to vent; vent what keeps pressure on us deep down, what lays beneath our skin, what is concentrated deep in our core. What drives us, what motivates us, what breaks us and brings us to pieces. Recently I have been bothered by the continuing face of lies, what people say in order to keep their own skins safe, their own goals and comfort settled in a place so well guarded. They use these lies as some kind of false shield in order to keep people from the truth; what lies within, their personal agendas and vendettas.
Like a double edge sword lies seem to dismantle, they seem to cease in action, if not sooner perhaps later, though always inevitable. In the end a liar's weakness is always themselves: to whether or not they have the continued fortitude to hold down and bottle up the guilt which eats them inside. Like a parasite trying to take over one's body, one's soul, eager to spread truth to matters which had meant so much more to so many others.
Yet, those who speak truth only seem to be a dying breed, we're courageous and constantly under fire due to the improper norms formed by people of deceit. Never forget however, the truth always prevails, you can bury the truth as far deep and as far down as possible but it always manages to grasp it's breath of air.
"Setting bridges on fire to keep the liars at bay." - Ryan D.
We write in order to vent; vent what keeps pressure on us deep down, what lays beneath our skin, what is concentrated deep in our core. What drives us, what motivates us, what breaks us and brings us to pieces. Recently I have been bothered by the continuing face of lies, what people say in order to keep their own skins safe, their own goals and comfort settled in a place so well guarded. They use these lies as some kind of false shield in order to keep people from the truth; what lies within, their personal agendas and vendettas.
Like a double edge sword lies seem to dismantle, they seem to cease in action, if not sooner perhaps later, though always inevitable. In the end a liar's weakness is always themselves: to whether or not they have the continued fortitude to hold down and bottle up the guilt which eats them inside. Like a parasite trying to take over one's body, one's soul, eager to spread truth to matters which had meant so much more to so many others.
Yet, those who speak truth only seem to be a dying breed, we're courageous and constantly under fire due to the improper norms formed by people of deceit. Never forget however, the truth always prevails, you can bury the truth as far deep and as far down as possible but it always manages to grasp it's breath of air.
"Setting bridges on fire to keep the liars at bay." - Ryan D.
20141016
winter smokes in the city..
"Rome is the city of echoes, the city of illusions, and the city of yearning." - Giotto di Bondone
"Those moments of peace and concentration that we love and vibrantly control, honestly we don't know what could happen."
The cold; it pierces through skin, bone cold, yet it's that familiar feeling of something free. I've always enjoyed the cold, those moments that fall as they collapse completely into winter. It's a peace that I find, a solace in these seasons, walks through the city seem breathable, long drags of a cigarette as you walk through echoing streets making you feel in control though at the same time you're not, the city just seems to take over and you just seem to take it all in: skinny jeans, converse, and a pea coat.
Walking; I find myself walking often, more so than ever, it allows me to breath better than sitting at my desk trying to write a letter, trying to make a phone call, trying to get the answers that I so desire, the answers to questions that should have never been asked. I suppose you could say that I placed more trust than I should have in her, but what can I say, when I fall, I fall like a season turning into winter. Cheesy line; trust me, I know, though it's difficult to pick up the pieces when you've been broken so far beyond.
"All I'm asking is 'Why?' simple as that.. " - Ryan D.
"Those moments of peace and concentration that we love and vibrantly control, honestly we don't know what could happen."
The cold; it pierces through skin, bone cold, yet it's that familiar feeling of something free. I've always enjoyed the cold, those moments that fall as they collapse completely into winter. It's a peace that I find, a solace in these seasons, walks through the city seem breathable, long drags of a cigarette as you walk through echoing streets making you feel in control though at the same time you're not, the city just seems to take over and you just seem to take it all in: skinny jeans, converse, and a pea coat.
Walking; I find myself walking often, more so than ever, it allows me to breath better than sitting at my desk trying to write a letter, trying to make a phone call, trying to get the answers that I so desire, the answers to questions that should have never been asked. I suppose you could say that I placed more trust than I should have in her, but what can I say, when I fall, I fall like a season turning into winter. Cheesy line; trust me, I know, though it's difficult to pick up the pieces when you've been broken so far beyond.
"All I'm asking is 'Why?' simple as that.. " - Ryan D.
20141004
something of sort
I will apologize for the noise; for my hate and discontent, for what spreads through my veins and what truly makes me, what truly shields me, what keeps me sane, and what keeps me comforted. Do not touch me, do not think in your simple mind you can grasp what I feel and understand the pain of a million little pieces, do not think what could have made me this way, what could have torn me in two, do not think what had broken me to this point. Only this.... FUCK YOU.
20140927
excerpt of the green book..
"I stopped running from my dreams,
and i stopped running from my fears.
As I grabbed hold on all the
pieces of my broken heart they slowly
melted together, they slowly became whole
once again. Remembering my place I
decided to climb, I decided to reach
each step with faith placed back within
myself. With every reach the whip of
a malevolent hope slowly dissolved, soon
I felt the warmth of promise in my
own heart. Promise of a smile, simple joy,
promise of happiness. The burdens I carried
felt light on weight, though bearable." - (The Green Book) Ryan D.
20140926
random story about puzzle pieces and reminders..
"Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'" - Erich Fromm
That moment of interlocking fingers, lips to lips and the silence of nothingness. Sadly we yearn for moments such as these, we wish that we could have so much more than our single room apartment, alone and haggard. Creatures of company is what we really are, searching constantly for the other puzzle piece.
There's this thing that I have sometimes, I see couples around or perhaps maybe even just a select few or random people which I think at times: "What is their story?". Did they fall in love, fall out? Was their heart broken; destroyed, shattered, perhaps even by a close friend to whom they cannot even repair from the aftermath? Are we all destined to live a life of companionship based on love or are a select few of us brought here in order to witness it? I'm searching for that mirror image, that image of truth that matters most, I'm hoping for better days, for moments to come and to not be left on this plateau. In all honesty I am heart broken no matter how many times I try to put things together, I am constantly reminded of where, who, what I am and why I am put in this position.
There was girl I had let in.. though maybe that's another story for another time.
"broken, bruised, and shattered." but really i am and you'll never see it fully. . - (the green book) Ryan D.
That moment of interlocking fingers, lips to lips and the silence of nothingness. Sadly we yearn for moments such as these, we wish that we could have so much more than our single room apartment, alone and haggard. Creatures of company is what we really are, searching constantly for the other puzzle piece.
There's this thing that I have sometimes, I see couples around or perhaps maybe even just a select few or random people which I think at times: "What is their story?". Did they fall in love, fall out? Was their heart broken; destroyed, shattered, perhaps even by a close friend to whom they cannot even repair from the aftermath? Are we all destined to live a life of companionship based on love or are a select few of us brought here in order to witness it? I'm searching for that mirror image, that image of truth that matters most, I'm hoping for better days, for moments to come and to not be left on this plateau. In all honesty I am heart broken no matter how many times I try to put things together, I am constantly reminded of where, who, what I am and why I am put in this position.
There was girl I had let in.. though maybe that's another story for another time.
"broken, bruised, and shattered." but really i am and you'll never see it fully. . - (the green book) Ryan D.
20140925
youth in motion. .
"in youth we learn; in age we understand." - Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
As I sit here in the mall at the children's play area; my ears are rambled with the noise of youth, my son runs with a pack of children like lions in their den, they are the kings and queens of the world in this very moment. Realizing truth, in these moments I feel hope within my older years, I am old but my heart is touched by the young, by youth, by feelings of innocence.
It's strange when we're young; we feel that we're unimportant and undesirable due to the status of youth. We're told constantly of what to do and what we may or may not be or act like, pushing us to the point of wishing constantly: "I can't wait until I'm grown up and I'll never have to listen to what anyone says or tells me to do." Though we grow older and realize the facts about age; bills, taxes, jobs, bosses we hate, friends that torment us, and LOVE that destroys us. So much has changed and I find it difficult to deal with being an adult.
Hilarious how it happens; how we change our minds at once when we get what exactly we wanted to begin with. A child grows and wishes of independence from their family to happen, only to realize the hardship of truth and the thankful bonds of being with family, of being of the youth. We as humans are always conflicted, we want what we want but when we need something fear strikes us to the point of necessity.
Want; our facade which we continue to supply in order to complicate things.. We want alcohol, we want companionship, we want sex. Need; our complete basis of life. We need food, we need sleep, we need Love. Our main difference in it all; our youth we wish for wants, but as we grow older we realize our needs..
"wants were available for him, though his needs were taken, and imprison from his heart. - Ryan D.
and i'll leave you with this riff that seems to attract my attention..
As I sit here in the mall at the children's play area; my ears are rambled with the noise of youth, my son runs with a pack of children like lions in their den, they are the kings and queens of the world in this very moment. Realizing truth, in these moments I feel hope within my older years, I am old but my heart is touched by the young, by youth, by feelings of innocence.
It's strange when we're young; we feel that we're unimportant and undesirable due to the status of youth. We're told constantly of what to do and what we may or may not be or act like, pushing us to the point of wishing constantly: "I can't wait until I'm grown up and I'll never have to listen to what anyone says or tells me to do." Though we grow older and realize the facts about age; bills, taxes, jobs, bosses we hate, friends that torment us, and LOVE that destroys us. So much has changed and I find it difficult to deal with being an adult.
Hilarious how it happens; how we change our minds at once when we get what exactly we wanted to begin with. A child grows and wishes of independence from their family to happen, only to realize the hardship of truth and the thankful bonds of being with family, of being of the youth. We as humans are always conflicted, we want what we want but when we need something fear strikes us to the point of necessity.
Want; our facade which we continue to supply in order to complicate things.. We want alcohol, we want companionship, we want sex. Need; our complete basis of life. We need food, we need sleep, we need Love. Our main difference in it all; our youth we wish for wants, but as we grow older we realize our needs..
"wants were available for him, though his needs were taken, and imprison from his heart. - Ryan D.
and i'll leave you with this riff that seems to attract my attention..
20140923
pushing in..
"but i also think all of the greatest stories in literature deal with loneliness." - Tom Hanks
The push; it's those moments of deterrence, those times of hardness, those simple yet strong messages of "leave me alone" things that we tend to slave for when close to someone. Breaking us down emotionally and mentally; where as things as hope become our enemy and our greatest demotivator. It truly is one of the worst feelings in the world to give care for someone at 100% only to receive at the least a 50 perhaps even less.
Reasons are always there; in reality we just don't wish to let truth be known so we lay hopeful in our own facade which we've created to shield us from truth. We push people away to place them out from our hearts, or keep them further from our heart than we would like. It's our own defense mechanism that keeps the pain of heart break at bay.
Insulting as it may be; we pursue such a status in order to keep from hurting others as well as ourselves. Though many may think it selfish or a painful act, in truth we are just trying to be selfless, sacrificing what we want for the benefit of others.
"voids are filled, voids are made." - (the green book) Ryan D.
The push; it's those moments of deterrence, those times of hardness, those simple yet strong messages of "leave me alone" things that we tend to slave for when close to someone. Breaking us down emotionally and mentally; where as things as hope become our enemy and our greatest demotivator. It truly is one of the worst feelings in the world to give care for someone at 100% only to receive at the least a 50 perhaps even less.
Reasons are always there; in reality we just don't wish to let truth be known so we lay hopeful in our own facade which we've created to shield us from truth. We push people away to place them out from our hearts, or keep them further from our heart than we would like. It's our own defense mechanism that keeps the pain of heart break at bay.
Insulting as it may be; we pursue such a status in order to keep from hurting others as well as ourselves. Though many may think it selfish or a painful act, in truth we are just trying to be selfless, sacrificing what we want for the benefit of others.
"voids are filled, voids are made." - (the green book) Ryan D.
Life Re-cycle.
"use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without." - New England Proverb
Why does time grasp us like this?
The womb, time is meaningless. Though we still grow and develop our senses; our feeling. We're fed through an umbilical cord, and awaited by our parents on our scheduled or unscheduled arrival. Our mothers carry us from place to place, we are either considered a blessing or a burden. We weigh our mother down as we continue to evolve within, our weight is our dreams, our wishes, our potential.
Labor begins; it is filled with pain, blood, tears and sweat. Slowly we make our way out of a home we had kept for nine month, though finally, we've seen the light for the first time. We're taken care of for a period of time; diapers, bottles, and stress. Not yet have we learned to take care of ourselves. Though, time slowly evolves us into toddlers, children, teens, adults.
Our learning process begins and we go from school to school; in a constant motion we're transformed made to search our purpose, our passions, our meaning. Some of us sooner than others, some of us stuck on a plateau though eventually finding our way, finding our loves and our fears. Searching for someone to grow old with, we create our families and seemingly the process recycles itself when we have our first born and we see ourselves as the parents now.
Growing older consist of losing our purpose and relying on others to take care of ourselves; the simplest things such as walking, writing, eating, talking, even breathing become an inconvenience. Nursing homes take us in as a burden, something of sort of our parents taking care of us. We find we're in diapers once again, and someone is feeding us spoon per spoon.
Then... We pass, our last breath, our long exhale, we remember all of the beauty in life; our passions, our loves, our long kiss, our fears, all of our memories so simply beautiful. We realize in this moment that it was a circular motion, our lives have taken it's trip and we have ended where we had started.
"i will see things and i will cherish them, the beauty of things and people I care for, for one day all will be lost from my mind, and the reaper will take me with a quick slice, his scythe will weigh heavy on my soul, and my eyes will have closed, just as they had opened." - Ryan D.
ps. here's a music video that has nothing to do with anything, but it felt right.
Why does time grasp us like this?
The womb, time is meaningless. Though we still grow and develop our senses; our feeling. We're fed through an umbilical cord, and awaited by our parents on our scheduled or unscheduled arrival. Our mothers carry us from place to place, we are either considered a blessing or a burden. We weigh our mother down as we continue to evolve within, our weight is our dreams, our wishes, our potential.
Labor begins; it is filled with pain, blood, tears and sweat. Slowly we make our way out of a home we had kept for nine month, though finally, we've seen the light for the first time. We're taken care of for a period of time; diapers, bottles, and stress. Not yet have we learned to take care of ourselves. Though, time slowly evolves us into toddlers, children, teens, adults.
Our learning process begins and we go from school to school; in a constant motion we're transformed made to search our purpose, our passions, our meaning. Some of us sooner than others, some of us stuck on a plateau though eventually finding our way, finding our loves and our fears. Searching for someone to grow old with, we create our families and seemingly the process recycles itself when we have our first born and we see ourselves as the parents now.
Growing older consist of losing our purpose and relying on others to take care of ourselves; the simplest things such as walking, writing, eating, talking, even breathing become an inconvenience. Nursing homes take us in as a burden, something of sort of our parents taking care of us. We find we're in diapers once again, and someone is feeding us spoon per spoon.
Then... We pass, our last breath, our long exhale, we remember all of the beauty in life; our passions, our loves, our long kiss, our fears, all of our memories so simply beautiful. We realize in this moment that it was a circular motion, our lives have taken it's trip and we have ended where we had started.
"i will see things and i will cherish them, the beauty of things and people I care for, for one day all will be lost from my mind, and the reaper will take me with a quick slice, his scythe will weigh heavy on my soul, and my eyes will have closed, just as they had opened." - Ryan D.
ps. here's a music video that has nothing to do with anything, but it felt right.
20140922
reviving of knighthood,
"The age of chivalry is never past, so long as there is a wrong left unredressed on earth." - Charles Kingsley
Sometimes I find myself closing my eyes contrasting how things are and how I wish they could be. It's a great fault of my own perhaps due to a scarred past, that I care so dearly for people who have reached or rather touched my inner circle to a point that I am honored and able to call them family. Honestly it's hard to fathom who you really surround yourself with until you know their inner secrets and painful past, the unfortunate truth is that I've always had this strange gift to read who people really are; from who's broken into pieces of tarnished glass and who still sees the world in it's own youth and innocence.
The broken are always the ones who rip my insides out; they play a facade to everyone, something of sort that keeps their demons at bay, though in truth I have always empathized with them to the point of almost complete no return. The pain they feel I am suddenly able to carry their weight, as if it were my own personal duty. Begging me to question;
"Where are all the heroes in this forgotten world?"
It's as if things intolerable have become the norm, and knights of the old world have died along with honor and chivalry. Unspeakable truths are brought to light when people are aloud to perform horrendous acts such as the beating of a woman to the murder of a child. As faulty within my own self I tend to question the essence of God; has he turned his back? My mind slowly lingers to the edge wondering what could have changed in that moment, whether it be someone not leaving home, or someone intervening.
My own empathy slowly turns to the rage of vengeance.. Is it strange to want to play God and change what has hurt so many people? I understand the consequences of how so much would differ, but if you knew and felt the pain of someone you cared and loved so much would you change it all? Maybe, maybe not, smiting those who would ever threaten people you care for? Playing God for the best or playing for your own selfishness?
"in a time of dragons and fiends, we call for help each and every day, awaiting a hero to awaken, a hero; within ourselves or amongst others." - Ryan D.
Sometimes I find myself closing my eyes contrasting how things are and how I wish they could be. It's a great fault of my own perhaps due to a scarred past, that I care so dearly for people who have reached or rather touched my inner circle to a point that I am honored and able to call them family. Honestly it's hard to fathom who you really surround yourself with until you know their inner secrets and painful past, the unfortunate truth is that I've always had this strange gift to read who people really are; from who's broken into pieces of tarnished glass and who still sees the world in it's own youth and innocence.
The broken are always the ones who rip my insides out; they play a facade to everyone, something of sort that keeps their demons at bay, though in truth I have always empathized with them to the point of almost complete no return. The pain they feel I am suddenly able to carry their weight, as if it were my own personal duty. Begging me to question;
"Where are all the heroes in this forgotten world?"
It's as if things intolerable have become the norm, and knights of the old world have died along with honor and chivalry. Unspeakable truths are brought to light when people are aloud to perform horrendous acts such as the beating of a woman to the murder of a child. As faulty within my own self I tend to question the essence of God; has he turned his back? My mind slowly lingers to the edge wondering what could have changed in that moment, whether it be someone not leaving home, or someone intervening.
My own empathy slowly turns to the rage of vengeance.. Is it strange to want to play God and change what has hurt so many people? I understand the consequences of how so much would differ, but if you knew and felt the pain of someone you cared and loved so much would you change it all? Maybe, maybe not, smiting those who would ever threaten people you care for? Playing God for the best or playing for your own selfishness?
"in a time of dragons and fiends, we call for help each and every day, awaiting a hero to awaken, a hero; within ourselves or amongst others." - Ryan D.
20140921
bottom shelf ink..
"real change occurs from the bottom." - Paul Hawken
As far as we know we can only consider the heights to be our final destination, we climb and continue to climb searching for something more, something greater, trying to break boundaries and seek our gold. However it comes to some surprise that many of us decide to forget our past, forget previous lessons of what had placed us or had given a sort of motivation to lead us up to points of favor. We veil them with white cloths to protect old wounds from gathering dust, we hide them in our mausoleums of memories meant for forgetting, we bury our oldest and coldest memories deep down in the dirt thinking hiding every bit of it offers a sort of clean slate, a fresh piece of paper readily available to write on. Ruined ink always runs through a pile of papers, we may think it fresh and available for a new chapter, but we ignore the facts; there is still a mark left which we refuse to acknowledge.
I have had my moments of finding, those moments of taking a eraser and ruining sheets and sheets of paper trying to remove a ink stain, thinking white-out could make things new, though in times of great adversity it is sometimes just well enough to face the truth, face the facts, forgive yourself and who you are and use to be.
A good friend once had told me "Nobody ever really changes, they're always the same person deep down inside." Of course I was reluctant to agree to such words and the truth is; in the end we evolve, we learn from what or who we use to be and we try to continue on, no matter how damaged or scarred we truly are. I have wrestled with old demons as of late, remembering things I had kept secret, things I had not wanted known. Though we deal, I had finally discovered how to acknowledge truth in it all, through recognizing faults which I had chosen to hide, perhaps I was able to realize who I am or who I would be willing to be.
"I had fallen; far and fast, climbing to the top though the withered step had ruined my entire placement. The ground was barren and coarse, shattered glass from broken hearts and painful memories surrounded me. Dreams existed only to torture with whips of hope. Love and care were water boarded by the disdain of hate. Providence and all paradise were lost. Seduced by the temptation of laziness and depression whilst struggling to pick myself up. I ignored a piece of my heart which laid broke from events of crushing and hammering, the reminder of heartbreak had taken a toll weighing so much." - (The Green Book) Ryan D.
As far as we know we can only consider the heights to be our final destination, we climb and continue to climb searching for something more, something greater, trying to break boundaries and seek our gold. However it comes to some surprise that many of us decide to forget our past, forget previous lessons of what had placed us or had given a sort of motivation to lead us up to points of favor. We veil them with white cloths to protect old wounds from gathering dust, we hide them in our mausoleums of memories meant for forgetting, we bury our oldest and coldest memories deep down in the dirt thinking hiding every bit of it offers a sort of clean slate, a fresh piece of paper readily available to write on. Ruined ink always runs through a pile of papers, we may think it fresh and available for a new chapter, but we ignore the facts; there is still a mark left which we refuse to acknowledge.
I have had my moments of finding, those moments of taking a eraser and ruining sheets and sheets of paper trying to remove a ink stain, thinking white-out could make things new, though in times of great adversity it is sometimes just well enough to face the truth, face the facts, forgive yourself and who you are and use to be.
A good friend once had told me "Nobody ever really changes, they're always the same person deep down inside." Of course I was reluctant to agree to such words and the truth is; in the end we evolve, we learn from what or who we use to be and we try to continue on, no matter how damaged or scarred we truly are. I have wrestled with old demons as of late, remembering things I had kept secret, things I had not wanted known. Though we deal, I had finally discovered how to acknowledge truth in it all, through recognizing faults which I had chosen to hide, perhaps I was able to realize who I am or who I would be willing to be.
"I had fallen; far and fast, climbing to the top though the withered step had ruined my entire placement. The ground was barren and coarse, shattered glass from broken hearts and painful memories surrounded me. Dreams existed only to torture with whips of hope. Love and care were water boarded by the disdain of hate. Providence and all paradise were lost. Seduced by the temptation of laziness and depression whilst struggling to pick myself up. I ignored a piece of my heart which laid broke from events of crushing and hammering, the reminder of heartbreak had taken a toll weighing so much." - (The Green Book) Ryan D.
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